It’s been one hell of a time in our country. Mass shootings now seem to be happening more frequently. heartbreakingly. It’s hard to try and get back to whatever a “normal” life is. Normal has taken on such a different meaning anymore. Pandemic is now a constant part of our life, there are shootings, insane politics that can be crazy making, and the list goes on.

But on we go. We are still here on this earth and still alive. Still experiencing all that life can bring.

So my experience of today is that of being brought to my knees. Literally.

I have something called pseudogout. This is different from regular gout in that the crystals that get formed are calcium rather than uric acid. But, still it can be fairly painful. I have medication that I can take for it, which helps and for which I am grateful.

It’s yet another reminder of aging related changes, of how much I can take for granted on a daily basis. How I usually don’t have to think much about getting out of bed or walking around, which I feel blessed about still. But, when this condition announces its presence, I am humbled. I walk carefully, have to think about how to get my slacks on, take longer to do most anything, wonder how the toilet seat got so low, slowly go to the gym (again, glad to be able to go) to do a very modified workout, to say the least.

And I think to myself, is this a snapshot of what the future may hold for me? I live alone, so that can be frightening to think about needing help and what that might involve. I have no family, so that leaves more questions. Humbling indeed.

I don’t know what it is store. I don’t want to obsess about it, but I also realize that there may be things that I can try to “plan” for, or at least think about in terms of what would be needed. And I realize yet again how very much I have to be grateful for today. And how I want to be grateful for each day and the gifts that I have each day that I can sometimes take for granted.

Yes, I am brought to my knees. Literally brought to pay attention to my knees and their call for my attention. Brought to my knees in humility for the passage of time and the changes that it has and will continue to bring, changes that I cannot control, beyond doing what I can to keep whatever I do have still moving and functioning. Brought to my knees in gratitude for what I have every single day.

I am continuing to age. I cannot change that. I am still alive, still here. Sometimes on my knees. Sometimes dancing (though it be more slowly). It’s all part of the ride, the journey. Life. In all of its fierceness, reality, pain, sorrow, joy and glory. I hope to live it as fully as I can , to the very last drop. Even if it’s on my knees.

Taking more risks in life (that you can’t take back!)

I have jumped into the deep end of the pool. And I cannot undo that. It’s time to sink or swim.

I retired two years ago this month, just about the time that the pandemic really hit. I have spent a lot of time home alone, which is not at all an unpleasant thing for me. I love solitude, and the pandemic, although I would not wish that on anyone, somehow gave me permission to simply be, and not have to do. Anything.

I have always loved to write and to paint, but really did not have the time or energy while working full time to really devote to either passion. Now I do. And I have taken the leap.

One small step and decision leads to another.

I joined an art association, which then led to by being part of their annual art show. And actually hanging some of my art work in public! That art association also led to my signing up accidentally (there are no accidents) with an online group through which you could submit your work for online exhibits and shows. For a more shy person (especially about my art and writing), this online experience was perfect for me. I could apply in what felt like a more anonymous way, making fear of rejection somehow a bit less personal. So apply I did. I have been lucky enough to have several of my paintings published in the magazine called Artistonish, as well as being accepted into a few other online exhibits!

I heard about blogs and how that would be a good thing to do if one wanted to write a book, get more of a platform. This is where I fully embraced the concept of “Fools rush in where angels dare to tread!” Not only did I have no real idea what or how to blog, but I somehow also managed to figure out how to start one and jumped in and began to blog. i still don’t know much about blogging, but I’m not letting that stop me!

I met other writers on this blog, lovely people. One of them (thank you, Marie!) mentioned the publication called Crow’s Feet (people aging and writing about their experience with this, mostly). So, not really knowing much about this, I jumped in and joined. And have had several pieces of my writing accepted and published by them! It’s so exciting, and makes me a bit anxious (but thankfully, again, not enough to stop me!)

I have lived much of my life being quietly in the background, doing what needed to be done, being as authentic as I could be, but not calling too much attention to myself. I learned this early on as a way to try and stay safer in the world.

I have learned and continue to learn that being safe is highly overrated. As I age, especially, I now see that being safe doesn’t serve me so well. Death becomes more of the reality that it is as we age, and I feel and see that intensely these days. If I don’t express who I am now, when will I?

I wonder how many unexpressed works of art lie buried in cemeteries? How many stories untold?

So, deep end of the pool, here I am.

And now a dear friend has referred me to our very local magazine as a person that they might be interested in for their feature story one month. What? Me? What possibly could I offer, I wondered?But, there is no jumping out of the deep end back onto the diving board, so here I am. I will answer their questions. I will submit my responses and photos. This is actually terrifying for me and against all the rules I made growing up about how to navigate this world.

Here I am in the deep end. Swimming. Swallowing some water, yes, but still swimming. Stroke by stroke. Sometimes resting and treading water is all that I can do, but that is good enough. I am still here. In the deep end. More fully engaged in my own life and who I am and have always been. Expressing myself. Being more fully alive.

Scary? You bet! But, the alternative is even scarier. So, the deep end it is. Here I am. Vibrating with the energy of life. Still here. And so very grateful for each shaky, scary, exciting, fully alive moment.

Care to jump in and join me? The water’s great!

(Firing the jury within)

To all those who received a notice to become members of the jury within my head, those invitations were sent out in error. Some of them long ago. Some of them more recently. Please disregard those notices.

It has come to our attention that you do not quite understand the function of a proper jury. Clearly you were not provided clear and adequate instructions. The purpose of a jury is to come to just decisions, weighing all the evidence as best as possible. It is also not the purpose of the jury to hand out sentences and severe, lifelong judgments.

We have come to this decision to release you all after carefully weighing the evidence and history of your service.

You have been relentless in your judgments and sentences.

You have been severely critical from your first day of service, criticizing the way that I look, the way that I walk, talk, think, play, laugh, all the ways that I simply am myself in the world. I worked hard to try and please you. Unsuccessfully., thank God.

I am happy to report that I have not forgotten who I was before all of your judgments began.

You criticize my face, my body, my hair color, my eye color, my shape, my weight, my diet. You shame me into withdrawing from being seen and heard (even though that is what my soul craves), telling me that others will be even more harsh than you. And that their opinion matters more than whatever I may feel or think.

You have been a lifelong companion, criticizing and judging my school work (straight A’s were the only thing good enough), my college experience, my choice of careers and my performance in that career.

You shamed me about my relationships and choices that I made. Yes, I made some less than perfect choices. I am human. You even criticized me for that. You shame me for a failed marriage. We were both young and quite human and inexperienced in the art and skill of relationship. And we are still good and deep friends, having cast aside your terms for our own.

You berate me for being too quiet, yet jump in with negative comments when I do speak up.

You even shame me for my aging body and mind, as if living and learning this long has no merit.

You judge the way that I dress, yet quickly jump to attack anything new or different that I may try.

You relentlessly attack the kind of daughter that I was, never good enough in your eyes.

You even attack the kind of pet parent that I was, blaming me for not trying hard enough at the end with one of my 17 year old kitties, even though the vet repeatedly said that this kitty was so sick.

You judge the sadness that I often feel, telling me that I should be constantly cheerful and that to be sad is to not be grateful. Can you not see that I am grateful for the sadness as well, that it carves out that much more room in my heart and soul for deep joy?

You relentlessly fill my basket of regrets, lest I run out.

You are harsh even now, as I write this. You berate my writing and my painting, comparing me to others and telling me that I don’t have the right to do either.

You judge how I have avoided conflict, yet are ever constant in letting me know that whatever conflict I have engaged in, it was wrong somehow. Even laughable. Shameful.

You may have meant well, so I will take that into consideration. You were doing what you thought would protect me from the harshness of the world, bringing that harshness inside so that it would stop any more from coming in. I understand your intentions. However, your services are no longer needed.

And to those jurors who were immediately rejected because you might have been too positive in your opinion of me, I apologize. You may be getting new notices and invitations in the mail soon. Your input will now be valued and accepted. I thank you for your patience for the time it has taken to realize your value.

And so, jurors who were invited in error, it is time to leave the jury box.

I have had enough.

I have had enough.

I live alone and truly enjoy solitude. I also cherish real and deep connection. And I am constantly surprised at how and when these gifts of connection can show up.

I was home yesterday, as I had an appointment scheduled for the pest control service to show up. (I struggle with this whole concept of pest control as well, but that is for another post).

This lovely young man showed up at my door, ready to provide the service and asked what I needed. He was friendly and respectful, and seemed open and wanting a conversation.

So we began talking as he prepared to do his work. And I found out that he was in school , studying both graphic arts and technology. That he was helping his grandmother with some projects around the house. That he loved being around trees and nature (my house is surrounded by trees). That he loved art and hoped to have his career revolve around that.

I happen to be an artist as well. So we talked about art. And I found myself encouraging this young man to never let go of his dream. I shared that I had reconnected with my dreams of being a both a writer and an artist only after I retired two years ago. And that I was so thrilled to see that those parts of me had waited for me to come back home to them. I encouraged him to follow his soul and passion in his life.

At one point, I thought that perhaps I was being too talkative, taking time away from his work. So I mentioned that I should let him do his job. He responded that we could keep talking if I wanted to walk with him while he worked. What a delightful invitation, and one that felt genuine and heartfelt. So we kept talking. And I showed him some of my artwork. I told him about my favorite art store and where it was.

He talked about being excited to get some canvasses to paint.

We agreed that he would send me a photo of his first canvas. He smiled at my request for this. And also offered to be available to help with any tech assistance that he could offer, since part of our conversation had been about my frustration with some of this. How sweet and kind.

He left, texted me with a thank you for the encouragement and inspiration.

A sweet connection. A surprise encounter. A lovely gift. A sharing of a common passion for art, for that expression of soul and spirit. A meeting of two that on the surface would seem to have absolutely nothing in common with each other.

All we need is to be open to what may be right in front of us at any moment. We are all connected in some way. We only need to find the common language that we share. Beyond age, beyond any obvious differences. Members of our tribe are hidden in the most delightful of places!

How many trips to the grocery store does it take to remember to buy that one item that you went in there for in the first place? I will let you know as soon as I succeed with getting the item!

One of the joys of aging…watching the memory slips and lapses. I can remember what happened decades ago, but can’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday.

So off to the grocery store I went to buy a bit of gum, which helps me when I don’t want to eat out of whatever feeling I may be trying to deal with (or avoid) in the moment.

Exit the grocery store, with needed items. Which did not include gum.

Off to the drug store to buy some needed items,….great, I thought, I could buy some gum from there.

Exit drug store with items, without gum.

Off to the grocery store once again, for something that I needed to bring to a friend. Exit grocery store with that item – but , yes, you guessed it, once again with no gum.

Ok, at this point, I had to sit down and laugh at myself. Maybe, I thought, it’s the Universe telling me to not chew so much gum.

Is it frustrating? Yes, Is it a bit scary? Yes, at times. But mostly, it’s pretty funny. Which, I think, is the attitude that I need to maintain with some of these age related changes that I notice.

I’m still functioning, I am still alive and healthy and doing well. Without that gum.

I am still enjoying life after retirement – enjoying writing, painting, and simply being alive.

I still remember to get dressed before I leave the house, turn off any appliances that need to be turned off, put the milk in the refrigerator and not the cupboard….all in all doing ok. I am grateful.

Now, what is it that I was supposed to buy at the grocery store????

I found moments of the Divine and Sacred at the zoo yesterday.

I am lucky enough to volunteer at our local zoo on Saturdays. I am on the Behavior Observation Team for the elephants. I have the honor of getting to observe these majestic creatures for several hours each Saturday and record their behaviors and see how they are doing. It’s such a gift. I started this volunteer work several years ago before I retired from my job (social worker ) and I think that this time on the weekends helped me survive the last several challenging years at my job.

So where did I find the Divine? It is my belief that God, the Universe, the Divine (many names for one Presence) can be be found in the most unexpected places. Of course. When I stop to think about it, how could it be any other way? What we look for is not often at the end of our search, but along the way.

I find moments of this sacred presence in the animals. To have the time to simply be with another being (human or non) and sit and fully inhabit the present moment with them…..that is a gift. To slow down and be with another creature as it simply lives, breathes, and is alive in the moment with me….how often do we really allow ourselves to truly sit and be with someone, something, some moment in time? Time slows down. Worries fade into the background. This is what meditation is for me.

And, if I am open to it, I find other moments of connection to the Divine come to me.

A mother come to stand by me with her two sons …(.I try and answer questions about our elephants when asked, even though I am not a docent, but rather an observer.) One of her sons was, she told me, autistic. His laughter would sometimes scare others away. Although only 11 years old, he was big for his age and could sometimes frighten others with being loud or having sudden jerky movements. I watched this mother, this oh so loving mother, and how gentle and encouraging and positive she was with her son. And I watched how his older brother was gentle and always close by and protective of his younger brother. Although a teenager, he displayed a wisdom and patience beyond his years. The mother spoke to me about how her sons were such a blessing to her, how they had taught her to slow down, live in the moment, appreciate the important things in life and not worry about the little things that really don’t matter in the long run. I was moved. This 11 year old did not want to leave the elephants, so I got to spend close to an hour with them beside me. Enough that I was able to connect with both boys, have them make eye contact with me (a big deal with the 11 year old because of his autism and a big deal with the teenager because of his dividing his time between his brother and his cell phone….). Most people spend an average of two minutes at each exhibit at the zoo – hardly enough to really see the animals. So having an hour to point out different things that the elephants might be doing and explain and help them see….this was lovely. When it was time to leave, the good byes were genuine and heartfelt. I felt such gratitude for such depth of connection in a chance encounter. A moment with the Divine…the Divine in all of us.

A little girl (maybe 4?) came up and stood between my legs the other week as I was observing the elephants and she began talking about the elephants. Her parents were surprised, since none of us had ever met before. And yet, perhaps she sensed a kindred spirit in loving these creatures. It was lovely. She stayed for a few moments, left and then came back again to do a little more of this. As she left, her father said to her “wave goodbye to your new best friend”…. I don’t think he knew what to make of the whole thing. A moment of connection that has no explanation….nor does it need one.

Yet another moment occurred yesterday with another volunteer. I had met her before, and we spent a few moments talking. I have started reading “Bittersweet” by Susan Cain (and have been talking about it to those that I think might relate to it – it talks about the beauty and necessity of darkness and sadness….in much more depth than I can explain here). This other volunteer related to what this was about, and we had quite an intense conversation about this and the need to allow all of our feelings rather than trying to push for only the positive ones….that indeed allowing and getting to know all of what we feel allows so much for depth and appreciation for all the moments of life and the beauty, even in the pain. The pain that allows us to feel and to then be able to connect to others’ pain,…..so that we can all feel perhaps a bit less alone. Another connection and moment unexplained…

They leave me in awe, these moments and connections. I am reminded that they are all around us and within us, if we only slow down and stop enough to see, hear, feel and share them.

Isn’t it interesting, I wonder, that the older that I keep getting, the more I see the importance of slowing down, stopping, looking, listening, opening….to the earth, to its creatures, to each other, to the Sacred Divine Presence that is in all of these. Including this moment of writing this and sharing it with you. I am grateful for it all.

I gave myself a treat yesterday and stopped in to get a cappuccino at one of my favorite neighborhood cafes.

As I was sitting there, an older woman (my, how my definition of “older” changes over the years) slowly walked in with her cane, walked up to the counter to order, and sat down at the table beside me to wait. I had been on my phone up until then, and decided to put it away and simply be there and be more available, should she want to engage in conversation.

I did not want to intrude. I can also be a bit shy, so I simply sat there, feeling open, looking around, sipping my coffee. At one point, she looked my way, and I commented on how her food looked good. She mentioned that she bought herself this egg and bacon sandwich once a week. I responded that yes, we needed to treat ourselves.

I watched her (hopefully not too obviously) as she seemed to enjoy her meal, then brushed the crumbs off the table, and quietly drank her coffee. I wondered what her story was, what her life had and is like, did she live alone…so many questions. I felt that she was comfortable being there and I didn’t feel like conversation may have been anything that she wanted right then. I wanted to be open, and to also respect her boundaries. So I sat there a bit longer than I intended. And when I needed to leave, I made a joke about how coffee goes through me quickly as I got up. She pointed behind her to show me where the restroom was. We women, I think, have to know where the restrooms are located – especially after we reach a “certain age”. And I left, wishing her a good day. I made a note of the day of the week that it was, so that perhaps I might stop in that particular day and time again and have her begin to see me more regularly and perhaps we could strike up a conversation.

I looked at her, and I saw what may be a version of my own future self. She clearly was an independent woman, alone, and out and about. She walked slowly with her cane, but she walked. Will that be me? I live alone now, consider myself independent (and am grateful for my health and ability to be so every single day). I will continue to get more lines, more age related changes, more evidence of the passage of years and of my life. I love my solitude, and also cherish relationships with depth. I have no family that I keep in contact with, as they are quite far away and I didn’t grow up with them nor do I speak their language.

I realize now that I was sitting quietly beside her not only to be open to having contact, but to keep learning how to sit with the possible future version of myself and to become more comfortable with that, should I be blessed enough to live longer on this earth. I need to befriend that future version that may come to be, and open a dialogue with her inside me. Others may or may not approach me, but I must keep the conversation going with myself and not become invisible to me. I will still be there, with my story and my history. I will still be alive. And I can still treat myself to things and places that I enjoy. I can still claim and take my space, even if others may find me invisible. And maybe someday someone may sit quietly beside me at times, and simply be with me in that space that we share at that moment in time.