Brought To My Knees

It’s been one hell of a time in our country. Mass shootings now seem to be happening more frequently. heartbreakingly. It’s hard to try and get back to whatever a “normal” life is. Normal has taken on such a different meaning anymore. Pandemic is now a constant part of our life, there are shootings, insane politics that can be crazy making, and the list goes on.

But on we go. We are still here on this earth and still alive. Still experiencing all that life can bring.

So my experience of today is that of being brought to my knees. Literally.

I have something called pseudogout. This is different from regular gout in that the crystals that get formed are calcium rather than uric acid. But, still it can be fairly painful. I have medication that I can take for it, which helps and for which I am grateful.

It’s yet another reminder of aging related changes, of how much I can take for granted on a daily basis. How I usually don’t have to think much about getting out of bed or walking around, which I feel blessed about still. But, when this condition announces its presence, I am humbled. I walk carefully, have to think about how to get my slacks on, take longer to do most anything, wonder how the toilet seat got so low, slowly go to the gym (again, glad to be able to go) to do a very modified workout, to say the least.

And I think to myself, is this a snapshot of what the future may hold for me? I live alone, so that can be frightening to think about needing help and what that might involve. I have no family, so that leaves more questions. Humbling indeed.

I don’t know what it is store. I don’t want to obsess about it, but I also realize that there may be things that I can try to “plan” for, or at least think about in terms of what would be needed. And I realize yet again how very much I have to be grateful for today. And how I want to be grateful for each day and the gifts that I have each day that I can sometimes take for granted.

Yes, I am brought to my knees. Literally brought to pay attention to my knees and their call for my attention. Brought to my knees in humility for the passage of time and the changes that it has and will continue to bring, changes that I cannot control, beyond doing what I can to keep whatever I do have still moving and functioning. Brought to my knees in gratitude for what I have every single day.

I am continuing to age. I cannot change that. I am still alive, still here. Sometimes on my knees. Sometimes dancing (though it be more slowly). It’s all part of the ride, the journey. Life. In all of its fierceness, reality, pain, sorrow, joy and glory. I hope to live it as fully as I can , to the very last drop. Even if it’s on my knees.