I want to write to those of you that may be feeling sad during this holiday season…..to let you know, to let myself know (for I always am writing to myself as well as to you) that it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel whatever is coming up for you. It’s ok to feel the grief, the loss, the emptiness, the pain that may be more intensified this time of year against all the images of what the holidays should look like and should feel like and should be like. As they say in the language of recovery, we need to “stop shoulding” on ourselves. Enough.

You are sad. You have good reasons. I am sad. I have my reasons. And it’s ok. It does not mean that I am not grateful and that I cannot experience moments of such joy and tenderness, even in the midst of the grief and sadness. Life is not black and white. We are not all one feeling or another. We are complex, and we can contain all the feelings. Every last one of them. Even the oh so painful ones.

So during this holiday season, I wish you the space to feel what you feel, to be who you are, to experience life on your terms. And I want to sit beside you quietly, with my words here on this page, and let you know that you are not alone. Your sadness is a sign of the depth of who you are and the depth at which you can love and become attached. Your grief is a sign of the love you are capable of. Your pain is a sign of your humanity, and of your ability to connect with others and understand them and offer them some comfort and support and quiet companionship, Your complexity is a sign of the depth and growth of your tender soul and all that it has gone through and endured….and become richer from.

I wish you understanding and self compassion and self love and tenderness….Whatever you are feeling is ok. Let it be – give it space – and breathe. It is one of the gifts of life. There will be enough time for deadness when we are no longer here. But, for now, let us be alive….let us feel it all. I am right here, quietly beside you.

There is a therapist and healer within us that calls us to do what is needed to heal ourselves. Of this I am convinced. We need only to learn to recognize that voice and respond.

I have been going through some struggles as of late, and have been back with my old and familiar friend, grief. I have written previously about how aging seems to bring this companion by more and more frequently, and this really does seem to be true.

My most recent struggle has been, on the surface, about relationships with others – but, on a deeper level, about the relationship that I have with myself. I observe, yet again, how easily I can take the road of self sabotage, self condemnation, self blame, self punishment. Perhaps this is my feeble attempt to try and feel some control in my life over things which I really do have no control over. Like the reactions and choices of others. Like someone not wanting to talk about something so that we can work it through. Like how life can be unfair. How loss is inevitable. How aging brings losses and changes that I cannot control. How death is the final inevitability.

In the midst of all this, I notice that I am drawn to do things that I loved to do when I was younger, but had to abandon in order to survive in this world, make a living, listen to what I was taught was important and what I needed to pay attention to. I have written before that these parts of us are still there, for which I am so very grateful. What I now realize even more is that these long neglected parts of us are not only still there, but are there to help heal us and bring us home to ourselves, home to our Selves. Who we were, who has been inside us all along, who we still are, who we can still be.

I have been painting a lot lately….I am lucky enough to now be retired and able to devote time to this. And I notice that the process of painting brings me quiet and calmness and takes me away from the ever present ruminations of my mind. It calms me. It takes away the illusion of time. I get lost in it….and, ironically, I find myself. I marvel at what can show up on a canvas, really have no idea where it comes from ……but am so grateful that it does. The painting seems to flow through me from somewhere else…..and that is totally ok with me. It’s not from me, but through me. And I feel at home. And ok with being me. Flaws and all.

I wonder, if I can allow this space and surrender to apply to painting the canvas of my life. To allow what is to flow through me. To allow myself to develop on that canvas, flaws and all…and in fact, to appreciate that the flaws actually make the painting more unique, believable, able to be interpreted in so many different ways by others, depending on their own experiences and ways of seeing the world. Can I allow myself to step away and simply be quiet when I need to allow myself to be able to see the canvas more clearly to know what my next step is? Can I allow myself to try different colors and palettes to see what fits and what needs to be changed? Can I allow myself the time to simply paint and know that this is enough, that this is all that I need to do in this moment, that in fact, this moment of painting is perfect in and of itself?

Some paintings bring up joy, some bring up sadness ….but they all touch on things within that need to come out. My inner therapist speaks to me through painting, through writing, through walks in the redwoods….

How does your inner therapist try and reach you? What did you love to do but have forgotten? What were your natural tendencies, abilities, talents, desires? What made you smile and laugh with delight? What is trying to get your attention? What is inside you that needs to be heard, and seen, and attended to? I hope that you can stop and listen for a while….and that you can begin to hear the whispers coming from your soul.

There are a lot of labels that seem to come with aging…

I am not “cranky”.. I am angry …sometimes enraged.

I am not “cute” when you see me being affectionate with a partner …..I am a passionate, vital woman expressing herself with enough wisdom and experience to still ignite flames…

I am not “too sensitive” ….I am expressing a lifetime of experience of observing pain and suffering and how we humans can inflict that on each other, to other beings on this earth, to this very earth itself…and to ourselves..

I am not “over the hill”….I am still climbing that hill and learning and living..

I am not someone who is no longer a productive member of society…I have much still to offer, and indeed, the time now to offer it more than ever….

I am not simply waiting to die……I am embracing each moment of life more and more passionately….

I am retired from my job, I am not retired from life…

I am not feeble minded or slow – I am still present and thoughtful and aware…..and bring years of experience to the table…..if you take the time to listen and to hear me…..

I don’t “look good for my age”….I look good.

I am not “outdated”…I bring rich history to the conversation…..

I am not in denial of age related changes….I know that I may move more slowly, take more time to do things, sometimes forget names, get lonely for so many people and beings lost and more to come, get lonely to be really seen and heard. These and more are part of aging, as is facing mortality with much more reality. Estate planning, making whatever final arrangements that I want done, letting go of things more and more as I see how much they clutter my life and my mind, having some of my senses decline (now wearing a hearing aid in one of my ears)…..these all come with the aging experience and process. I can laugh at some of the changes, but I will not laugh at myself or allow that from others at the cost of my soul…..

These changes are only part of what is happening to me….they do not define who I am. They are not the totality of me. They do not give anyone permission to categorize and then discard me….including myself. Perhaps that is the most tragic of all, to have internalized these diminishing labels and apply them to myself as a way of pushing myself to the periphery of life…

I am still a very complex human being, a woman, a member of this tribe here on this earth. I have much fire within, and much that I can share and offer, to those who are interested and those who have the courage to look into my eyes- the aging eyes that reflect what will be their truth in time- and see…..and hear…..and be together with me during this time…. our oh so brief and precious time on this earth.

Will you look into my eyes with their crow’s feet and laugh lines? Will you take my hand with its wrinkles, thinner skin, and now more prominent veins? Will you have the courage to see me, knowing that if you are lucky enough to live longer, you will one day be where I am now? Will you acknowledge that I am still so very much present and here? Because I am….still here….still alive…. I am not dead yet.

Who you really are never goes away…….and I am so grateful for this.

As a child, I loved to draw. I loved to write. My parents didn’t quite know what to do with this, as they had grown up in such a time of struggle and focusing on surviving, making a living, and getting whatever job that you could to make that happen. I am grateful for all that they gave me and for their struggles to give me a better life than they ever had. The drawing and art and writing talents, however, went into hibernation. I learned they were fun thing to do in my spare time, but that I needed to focus on how I was going to make a living, how I was going to survive.

My father was an immigrant who worked so very hard to give my mother and I all that we needed. We never wanted for anything. I felt safe in knowing that my needs were taken care of, that I didn’t have to worry about the basics.

My mother was also an immigrant who worked hard to make a good and loving home….she was a great cook, she would sew clothes for my Barbie doll, she would hold my forehead when I was sick, nauseous….and be there.

I was an only child, so I have no experience with siblings, and also had the full attention of my parents (which could feel like too much at times….!)

I grew up, studied hard, picked a career ….I was a social worker for my entire career. And I am grateful for that experience and career, and hope that I did some good and made some difference for a few people along the way.

And then I retired. Who am I now, I wondered? I have been focusing on my writing and my art once again, wondering if there was anything still there…… I enjoy this blog and hope to write a book at some point. And I have been painting.. To my ongoing surprise, several of my paintings have been accepted into online magazines and exhibits. I am thrilled, humbled, grateful….beyond description.

The young girl who loved to draw and write never went away. In fact, she has shown up when I most needed her. I had a health scare when I was close to turning 50- and she showed up in my intense desire to start drawing again. I was home, off from work until we could figure out what was going on medically, and I drew constantly. It helped me get through the three months of unknown diagnoses until all turned out well, thankfully. A very scary time, with the comfort of my little artist within to be with me. I wrote many journals during that time as well….giving the flood of feelings a place to simply be.

I am going through some grieving at the moment, and I have been writing and painting more again….. It is a form of therapy for me and comfort once again from parts of me that have never left me, but have waited patiently for me to once again pay attention to them, to see them, to validate them in a way that others could not.

I live alone, have been married and in other relationships in my life, and am grateful for each and every one of them They got me to where I am today. I find that I feel lonely at times, even though I am a woman who very much enjoys her solitude. I don’t know if I will ever have another partner or not….am open to it, but also fiercely protective of my solitude and aware of my pattern of easily giving myself away to another at the cost of my own spirit and soul. I can sometimes react out of protective fear about this pattern and push others away……an ongoing project and issue for me that I continue to work with.

What strikes me lately is that the major relationship that I need to focus on is that very special relationship with myself. With all parts of me….even the not so pretty parts that can react out of fear and unintentionally hurt others. I truly need to learn to accept all parts of me, acknowledge all parts of me, see and hear all parts of me, allow expression of all parts of me (hopefully keep working on doing this in ways that do not hurt others). And love all parts of me….all the very human parts of me. And allow the pieces that have not been heard, have not been given space to express themselves, have not been seen……allow them to come out and be.

And so I write. And so I paint. And so I come to know in a deeper way the therapist within that connects me to God…..Higher Power….the Universe….the me that was meant to express herself…..and realize that there is yet time enough to let these part of me out….I am still alive, so there is time……I am still here.

We don’t have to give up …..rather, this is a time where perhaps we can give ourselves complete permission to fully live, to fully inhabit our lives, to fully become all that we can be….I am here. You are here. We are not dead yet, so let’s come alive fully…..it’s time.

I am working with being more honest with myself these days. I realize how much I actually withhold from others at times, out of fear of offending them or being rejected by them. This has been a a lifelong pattern for me, learned early on and reinforced along the way until it took over. And it has not served me in living my best life.

So here I am, in my late 60s, looking at this pattern yet again. If I am honest, I don’t always tell the truth. I don’t always let others know when something that they said or did may have hurt or offended me in some way. I tell myself it’s not a big deal and to just get over it. Now there are times when something small is really not all that offensive, but, I think that some of these perhaps not so little things can build up inside, eventually creating a wall between me and others. A wall that I have used to protect myself. But, as I now am realizing more and more, a wall that has also separated me from my own truth and inner integrity.

I do not mean that I need to be brutal or harsh with others…..and I am beginning to also realize that this can also apply to being honest with myself. Yes, I can be brutally honest in realizing that I don’t always tell the truth. The next question can then be, rather than the self condemnation and proof of further evidence against myself….to ask….why? What is going on that I feel that I have to hide who I really am? For me, one of my fears is that if I show who I really am and what I truly feel, that I may be rejected, condemned, left completely alone and unloved.. Pretty harsh judgment, yes? The truth is, the person who has been doing this the most to me is myself. By not speaking who I am, by not allowing myself to tell my truth, I have abandoned me – reinforced the belief that I am not good enough, don’t deserve to speak up, will be seen as the bad person that I really fear that I am inside. Again, pretty harsh judgment. And sometimes, because I have held things inside for too long, when they do come out, they come out much more forcefully than necessary…..and may push others away, thus confirming the fear that I will not be accepted. Self fulfilling prophecy.

So…how to work with this. How can I finally really be more completely who I am for whatever life I may have left to live? How can I show you who I am and risk losing you,, or take a chance that we may grow closer still? And how can I allow that inner self to come through , finally, into the light? Flaws and imperfections and all….but still a worthwhile human being who has the right to be here and be who she is.

I find that I can somehow do that more easily with the written word, in this blog….and now the task is to learn to take the chance and risk to do that in person, face to face…one small risk at a time, one hesitant step….one breath at a time. I want to die having fully expressed who I am, and allowed that self to be seen, perhaps loved even. But, most of all, to see and love myself…..

I wish the same for each of you who may relate to some or any of what I have written. You deserve to be seen and heard and loved……and you so very much deserve to give this to yourself. Come along with me on this path….this path of gentle brutality…..with compassion, understanding, room for mistakes….and love.

It seems that I can forgive (sometimes it may take a little while) everyone but myself.

Why is this so hard? The self recriminations, the self punishment, the rumination about how I could have done things differently, better, with more grace and kindness- these are relentless and punitive and toxic. And yet, it is as if I feel that I deserve the toxicity and punishment. To what end???

Yes, I can look back and see where I learned this as a child. I don’t want to stay stuck in blaming my parents, as they did the best that they could.. But, do I need to keep staying loyal to the lessons that they taught me about how to treat myself? When does the jury in my head finally stop condemning me to a life of impossible to reach standards and thus to a feeling of being a perpetual failure? When can I say ENOUGH? When can I let go and learn and be compassionate with myself for being flawed and human?

I have done some things recently that were less than kind. I said some things that came out of my fear, and did not even take the time to hear the other well, as I was too much in my fear. I feel awful about this. I tried to apologize (and the jury in my head says that I didn’t do that very well, either….). I didn’t mean to hurt this other person, but I did. And I regret that. I can’t take back the words that I wrote. And I have no further chance to try and talk about it, as the communication was stopped by this other person. I understand that, but it is a hard pill to swallow.

A pill that I feel that I deserve. But…..I now continue the punishment toward myself. And I am having trouble working my way through this, through the self flagellation and self rumination to get to the other side of this. So that I can learn, and try to do better next time with the next person, and move on and keep living. It is as if I am stuck in the no forgiveness zone. This feels like a version of hell……to live with punishment that has no end, to live with shame and guilt and remorse that has no place to vent and be released. To live with thoughts of what might have been if I had not acted so quickly out of fear……to face the loss of what my actions caused me.

This literally causes an ache in my gut, a tightness in my throat…..flooding of stress hormones that cannot be good for me. It is what they speak of when they talk about the toxicity of maintaining a high level of stress that doesn’t resolve so that your body, mind and spirit can work their way back to a calmer place.

I wonder how many of us do this to ourselves. I don’t think that I am unique in this. So….how to navigate this….how to allow self compassion and self forgiveness and learn the lessons and keep moving on. Keep living life. Keep working on doing better…..keep working on loving ourselves, flaws and all….that is the challenge.

I don’t have the answers yet, but at least I have begun to ask the question. I wanted to write about this pattern, to expose it…. as secrecy is the silent and powerful partner of shame. That is the first step, I think….to notice the patterns, to pay attention to what the voices in my head are saying to me, to notice the pain that this causes…..and to begin, with the help of my Higher Power/God/Universe ….to begin the slow journey back to self compassion…..self understanding….self forgiveness…..Even if someone else cannot forgive me, I can only apologize and try to learn and keep moving on, and work to not do this again. God knows, though, that I am so very human, and will continue to make mistakes….not out of evil intention, but out of my own insecurities and fears……But a lifetime of self punishment for all the ways that I am so much less than perfect….seems a very harsh sentence. I am horrified by torture….yet seem to allow this toward myself by myself…..And with this internal jury, each “transgression” allows them to bring up all other past mistakes and use them in the trial……This would never happen in a regular court of law, but there seem to be no such rules for this internal jury from hell….

And, in addition, maybe I can even look at the fears and what they may have been trying to tell me…..maybe they were protecting me from potential harm…..maybe they came from my gut, and although expressed less than gracefully, may have had some wisdom to teach me. Maybe there is also a lesson in this…..to notice the fears, ask what they are trying to tell me, where they are coming from, and what I may need to do to pay attention to them …..and do this with as much grace and kindness toward others and myself as possible.

But in the meantime, I think I need to address this internal jury in my head – to be the fair and just judge who deals fairly, but compassionately, with the human condition and all of its flaws and imperfections. Perhaps this jury needs to be instructed that self-forgiveness can actually be one of the verdicts. I don’t think that this has been offered as a possibility before- not toward myself, anyway. But maybe it’s time to offer that as an option. I’m not sure exactly how to do this, but at least it’s up for discussion.

I witnessed another being die today. I was at the gym, on the elliptical looking out the window….and I happened to see a moth flying around by the ivy. I delight these days, even more than usual, in watching nature and all of its beautiful creatures and plants. And so I watched this white moth fluttering and flying …..and noticed that its flight seemed a bit erratic. As I continued to watch, it flew closer and closer to the ground, until finally settling on the ground lying still. I waited, hoping to see it take flight again….but it did not. I, in fact, just witnessed its last flight as it gently landed on the ground to die.

I was so very moved by this. This tiny creature, having reached the end of its life and time, dying before me, with me as the only witness. No one else around to see the last fluttering of its wings or it slowly letting go ….to fly no longer. I felt, and still feel, so sad and deeply quieted by this.

Of course this is the circle of life, and the final destination that we must all reach. As I age, and as this destination feels closer each day, I am sensitive to what these final moments may be like – whether we will be alone- whether there will be anyone around us to be present as we take our last breath….whether it matters. But it mattered to me that I was there to witness this moth, its final flight. I was silent, experiencing the finality and grace of that moment….the sacred moment of letting go…..the end of this creature’s time on this earth….and that I was given the gift of being there to witness and honor this moment for another creature…..to wish it peace and grace…..to wish the same for myself when my time comes to take my final breath.

It seems important, in this life, to be witnessed, seen, and heard. And perhaps to have our final moment be witnessed as well…..even though this is a journey, this final destination, that we must all take alone. But perhaps we can be surrounded by some love sent our way, by some appreciation for the life we have lived, some grace for the moment that we die. It may seem silly, but I found myself sending this moth love and grace and the fullest presence to its being that I could. That felt important to do. Perhaps someone may do that for me. To honor each others’ lives, to honor the moment of death ….to see until the end, and to remember with our hearts. I hold that moth in my heart. I hold the pets that I have lost in my heart. I hold friends and family that I have lost in my heart. I hold the patients that died in the nursing home where I worked as a social worker in my heart – both those that had family surrounding them and those whose family I had become. It is a very sacred moment that I am honored to be a part of…..and grateful for. Each moment, I learn more and more, has its own special grace and gift to give, if we can stop and have the presence and courage to witness, see and feel it.

It is the day after Thanksgiving, the day we are reminded to be grateful for all the blessings that we have. And, indeed, I am very grateful …..for it all.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving Day, I chose to be alone. I have no family that I am in touch with, and even though some dear friends invited me over, I really felt the call to be in solitude and allow space for all that was going on inside me. I visited the mausoleum where I honor my mother and father….and let the tears flow freely. That, at least, is one place that public tears don’t seem to cause as much discomfort in others…. And I sat there for a while…..nodding heads to acknowledge all those visiting those that they had lost….silent companions in our shared grief.

I also gave thanks for everything in my life. Sometimes this can be more of a challenge….like giving thanks for the inevitable pain and grief that comes along as part of life. Grief over those we have lost, both human and four legged (I have lost many close friends, family, and beloved pets over the past few years…). Grief over the losses that come along with aging – losing those close to us, losing our youth and all that comes with that, dealing with age related changes that come along, loss of our illusion of power and immortality that can sometimes be part of our youth, loss of a sense of a future ahead of us……so many losses…..

I am also dealing with the loss of an online relationship that may or may not have been a scam…..but the loss is real. The loss is painful. The loss of the attention, the sweet words that were written to me that reminded me of parts of myself that had been dormant for a while…the loss of the feeling of being wanted …..(yes, this is still very much alive at my age…)….the loss of a hope of being held again and touched again and loved passionately again. It doesn’t matter if this was real or not…..the feelings in me were (and are) very real and I need to acknowledge them and the loss of what awakened those in me once again…..the emptiness and aloneness and sadness that I feel are very real and need to be acknowledged.

And I am working to realize that I need and want to be grateful for all these feelings…..because they are part of being alive and human…they are part of this journey that we are all on. I let this person into my heart, which is why the fears got triggered and I reacted out of those fears, which pushed him away……(see previous post for details)…..But my heart had been opened again. And it hurts. A lot. And, deep down, I am grateful for the ability to still feel that, to still be able to have a heart that lets someone else in….for still being very much alive. There is time enough to be dead to all feelings when we are dead and gone. But, for now, we are still alive. Still here. Still willing to be foolish and vulnerable and make mistakes….and still willing to learn. I am too much in the midst of the grief to be able to name all the lessons learned yet, but I know that there are lessons to learn from this. And I will work to learn those lessons….and to grow.

Life has joy and pain – same coin, different sides. Life has ups and downs, comes with delightful surprises and excruciatingly painful losses. We have such capacity for emotion and feeling in us….what a gift that this is. If I feel my pain (and I am in no way saying that this is fun in any way….) then I can be more open to your pain and sit beside you in quiet understanding and compassion. But I must acknowledge my own pain, allow myself my own compassion and forgiveness and understanding – in order to truly be able to be with you and your pain.

As I sat crying in the mausoleum, I looked around (there are new “residents” each time that I visit, of course)…..and I thought to myself…..why wouldn’t I want to welcome all the feelings that this life brings us? Why wouldn’t I want to be alive while I am still here on this earth? Why wouldn’t I want to share this with others so we can, perhaps for a moment, feel a little less alone? And so, here I sit, the day after Thanksgiving, giving thanks for everything….giving thanks for this precious life, giving thanks for each experience, giving thanks for a heart that can be open and still feel pain and loss, as well as joy and compassion and love. I am hurting right now….and it’s ok. And I am right here beside you if you are hurting too…..you are not alone. You are alive, and you are precious with all your feelings….each and every one of them. They are a gift, as are you.

A second post today…..I have so much going on inside me. I want to write about an online relationship that has been going on for about two months that became very intense very quickly….and to process some of what has happened..to help sort it out for myself and to perhaps help others who may be in similar situations…

I wrote earlier today about “catfishing”….and the possibility that this has happened to me. I am not certain about whether it has happened to me or not (although several friends seem to feel certain that it has), but I need to look at my part in an interaction that I had yesterday with this man online that caused this relationship to end suddenly. When this man shared that he was having some financial issues, I immediately became frightened that this was what the relationship may have been leading up to all along, as we hear about older women being “catfished” all the time….others pretending to be someone that they are not….or looking to use someone. I once heard an acquaintance say that older women had to be careful about being sought after to be “a nurse or a purse”. Clearly, in this case I was older (by 14 years) and would not be the nurse, but did get afraid of men looking for a purse….someone to help them financially. So, I reacted and wrote a text that, looking back, was harsher than it needed to be and did come across as accusatory (without having even given him a chance to even ask for anything…I just bulldozed ahead with my text about having been afraid of this pattern since the beginning of the relationship and that I would not give any money… ) I regret the haste and tone of the text. I also had included some other things that I had been a bit worried about but had not shared up to this point, as I was taking my time to see how things developed. That was also unfair of me, to add on all these extra concerns in one text – I was scared and my adrenaline was flowing. When he received the text, he was, understandably, very hurt and angry and ended our relationship, such as it was. He went on to say that I was not the good person that he thought that I was, that I had broken his heart and that he was so very disappointed. And that I could keep my “sorry” to myself, that he had no time for games. I can understand his anger and hurt, and I tried to say that. He would not accept my apology, which is his right and choice.

So here I sit struggling with more feelings than I know what to do with or how to handle. I did indeed come across too strongly, harshly, and with things that had been inside me for a bit, but that I had not shared. So of course this must have felt like an attack and overwhelming to him. I understand that, and I feel badly about that. It was a mistake on my part. But, here is an interesting additional dynamic that I can see – I also noticed, in the midst of my extreme guilt and self recrimination and shame, that this was really no way to handle a conflict….that there was no room to talk about it, to work through it, to process it, to at least be able to talk about what may have been going on for both of us. And that, separate from the other issues, would be a major concern in any ongoing relationship. Can I really be in a relationship where there is no chance to take responsibility, apologize, talk about things, and possibly work through them or at least have both sides feel heard? The case was closed and I was shut out.

I am told that this can also be a part of the scamming dynamic….a type of manipulation. Possibly so….

What I want to pay attention to for myself and my own growth and learning is –

1.Think and breathe before I react – take time to really think about what I want to say and how it may feel to receive what I say before I write or say anything.

2. Speak clearly and take responsibility for my mistakes, own up to what I have done wrong, and apologize when this is needed and appropriate – apologize for what I did, not for who I am……

3. Watch out for the shame and self recrimination that comes up and tells me to beat myself up for my mistakes and punish myself and refuse to take on my mistakes as a sign that I am a mistake

4. Allow myself to move forward, learn from what I have done, speak my truth as best as I can, and….this is the hard part….to forgive myself. It’s painful if someone else cannot forgive me, but I cannot control that. But, to not allow myself to forgive myself….that is a severe and ongoing judgment and punishment …and keeps me in a cycle of self recrimination, self doubt, shame and guilt…. which does no good….

5. Keep working on growing and learning and trying to do better, all the while realizing that I am oh, so human, and I will make more mistakes. Not intentionally, but they will be made. And some of them may cause others pain. I will work to try and reduce this as much as possible.

6. Speak my truth early about any issues or things bothering me in a relationship and not store it up so that someone feels blasted all at once with things that they may have had no clue about…

7. Breathe and carry on. Live, relate, love, forgive, ask for forgiveness, allow self forgiveness, and carry on…

Was this a scam? I don’t really know. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Did I intend to hurt him? Not that I am aware of…I got really really scared. Do I allow myself to keep punishing myself? Do I allow his definition of me not being a good person to define how I think of myself? Do I refuse to forgive myself? Do I turn my back on myself and shut myself out from my own feelings and pain? Or do I try to understand what is going on inside me and have compassion and try to learn and grow….and be grateful for yet another lesson learned. I think that is what I will try, although it may be a bit of a struggle for a while. I seem to have a pattern of punishing myself for a while…Old patterns die hard. But….I can still learn, I can still grow, I can still, hopefully, learn to love better….I am still here, still alive…..still able to live and learn and love…..and to keep learning that love also includes loving ourselves.

I have written about this online relationship that has been going on for me, and there is much going on about that for me today…..I have fears about being “catfished”, having my vulnerability used to get something from me, having someone portray themselves as something other than what they are, fear of being a foolish older woman. I know that I am not unique with these fears, and with this experience.

Lately this man has been talking about his business, and the financial parts of it…..and at one point mentioned that he didn’t have enough money for a particular thing. He wanted to talk with me …and I immediately got suspicious about him perhaps wanting money from me…..so I reacted and wrote back with my concerns and that I was not going to give any money….that I wondered about scamming, etc..

His reaction to this was heartbreak and disappointment that I would think this of him. Is this real? Is he real? I have never met him – he is currently out of the country for business. He has sent some photos, which seem real. He seems real, and yet – there is fear and suspicion and confusion in me….

So here I sit, feeling confused, doubting myself yet again, yet unable to shake the fear and suspicions of anything online…..I wonder how many of us have experienced this…I wonder about our vulnerability and loneliness and fears and sadness and all the feelings that are part of being alive, mixed with the particular feelings of being an older woman alone…..His words online were sweet, loving seductive….have I been a fool? Or have I cast aside something that could have been real and wonderful? I am humbled to see how much I still want to be loved, seen, wanted, appreciated, pursued, desired…..all of it…all of it very humbling….

I have no answers at this point to any of this. Communication has stopped between this man and I at this point, and I am left with so many different feelings inside me. What I now struggle with is staying true to all of my feelings, staying with myself and not beginning to tear myself down for writing what I did, trying to be gentle with myself for being oh so very human and vulnerable….and for not having realized that perhaps I was more lonely than I cared to admit or acknowledge.

I now need to tap into my faith and belief in surrender to the Universe….to be guided and directed and taken care of…and to not apologize for having my feelings…..and to stay true to myself and not beat myself up. This is hard. I don’t much like the taste of this possible catfish….it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and a sour feeling in my gut…..and pain in my heart.

Can anyone else out there relate to this? You are not alone. It is understandable. And we can love ourselves through this….slowly…..

To be continued….