I am working with being more honest with myself these days. I realize how much I actually withhold from others at times, out of fear of offending them or being rejected by them. This has been a a lifelong pattern for me, learned early on and reinforced along the way until it took over. And it has not served me in living my best life.
So here I am, in my late 60s, looking at this pattern yet again. If I am honest, I don’t always tell the truth. I don’t always let others know when something that they said or did may have hurt or offended me in some way. I tell myself it’s not a big deal and to just get over it. Now there are times when something small is really not all that offensive, but, I think that some of these perhaps not so little things can build up inside, eventually creating a wall between me and others. A wall that I have used to protect myself. But, as I now am realizing more and more, a wall that has also separated me from my own truth and inner integrity.
I do not mean that I need to be brutal or harsh with others…..and I am beginning to also realize that this can also apply to being honest with myself. Yes, I can be brutally honest in realizing that I don’t always tell the truth. The next question can then be, rather than the self condemnation and proof of further evidence against myself….to ask….why? What is going on that I feel that I have to hide who I really am? For me, one of my fears is that if I show who I really am and what I truly feel, that I may be rejected, condemned, left completely alone and unloved.. Pretty harsh judgment, yes? The truth is, the person who has been doing this the most to me is myself. By not speaking who I am, by not allowing myself to tell my truth, I have abandoned me – reinforced the belief that I am not good enough, don’t deserve to speak up, will be seen as the bad person that I really fear that I am inside. Again, pretty harsh judgment. And sometimes, because I have held things inside for too long, when they do come out, they come out much more forcefully than necessary…..and may push others away, thus confirming the fear that I will not be accepted. Self fulfilling prophecy.
So…how to work with this. How can I finally really be more completely who I am for whatever life I may have left to live? How can I show you who I am and risk losing you,, or take a chance that we may grow closer still? And how can I allow that inner self to come through , finally, into the light? Flaws and imperfections and all….but still a worthwhile human being who has the right to be here and be who she is.
I find that I can somehow do that more easily with the written word, in this blog….and now the task is to learn to take the chance and risk to do that in person, face to face…one small risk at a time, one hesitant step….one breath at a time. I want to die having fully expressed who I am, and allowed that self to be seen, perhaps loved even. But, most of all, to see and love myself…..
I wish the same for each of you who may relate to some or any of what I have written. You deserve to be seen and heard and loved……and you so very much deserve to give this to yourself. Come along with me on this path….this path of gentle brutality…..with compassion, understanding, room for mistakes….and love.