Birthday Hangover

From feelings, not alcohol

I made it through my birthday yesterday. And I am surprised at the hangover feeling today. I feel hung over from feelings, thoughts, inner reactions, unsettledness. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am so very grateful to still be here, still alive and on this earth and able to experience it all. It is a sacred gift and one that I realize that many people do not get to experience anymore. There are so many people that I have lost in my life, family, friends… all gone. I am blessed to still be here.

It’s interesting as I allow all the feelings and thoughts to surface and listen to what they have to tell me. 

I had lovely calls, texts, and emails from friends that meant so much to me. I felt significant to them, seen, noticed, and honored that they took time to acknowledge and celebrate my special day. 

My young neighbor stopped by with a cupcake with a candle singing happy birthday to me, while her puppy gave me lots of affection and playfulness. This was such a delight and gift. It touched my heart. 

I tried to limit how much news I watched yesterday to take a bit of a break from the constant trauma of it all, but of course, the headlines still come through and I want to keep up with the latest so that I know enough of what is going on without constantly retraumatizing myself into immobility. 

I feel a quietness inside, quietness that is tinged by some sadness and some bittersweetness. I look back at my life, marvel that so many years have gone by. I look at myself in the mirror and can still see all the faces that have looked back at me throughout the years, even if others only see the current version.

I look at my body and have the same experience of all the different bodies that have been reflected back at me, knowing that the only one seen today is the advanced version, the one that is more invisible, the one that can be categorized, discounted, and seen as less than, even by me.

I look around my house and see things that I still hang onto from years past, realizing that my house truly reflects an older person and not the modern clean versions that my younger neighbors have. I don’t know when that happened, and it catches me by surprise. 

I see my closets and cupboards and see that it becomes easier to look more like a hoarder these days, and I don’t really know how that happened either. I used to have regular cleaning out and purging times and seem to have let that slip over the years. I have boxes in the garage whose content I don’t even remember. How important are they if I don’t even know what is inside?

I felt remembered on my birthday and that was special to me. I felt acknowledged. And I also feel the passage of time on this journey where I more and more feel the reality of the end of the path approaching.

The delightful woman who I have clean my house, who now feels like a friend, came by, having mistaken the day that she said that she would be by this month. She has also been a caregiver for an elderly woman for years, a woman who just turned 102 this week and who died the day after her birthday. She had been determined to celebrate this birthday, and she did. My friend, her caregiver, came in and sat down and talked about her grief, about the lovely relationship that she had experienced with this woman that she came to love. She let her tears flow. I think she needed to talk more than anything else, as she decided after we spoke for a while, to come back next week for the cleaning. I was honored to be able to listen to her and hold her grief with her for a while. Those moments are such precious random gifts in life, to be able to connect and touch another soul as we navigate this road of life. 

My young neighbor’s playful puppy jumped up an down in excitement and accidentally scratched my arm. I still get amazed at how easily my skin tears these days, as I looked down and saw the blood flowing. I had hardly felt it, but there were the bleeding skin tears that needed to be dealt with. When did my skin get so fragile? Are things that fragile on the inside as well? It seems such solid proof of the deterioration of my body, things that we cannot control. The passage of time and its effects remind us of this all as we make our way to the end. 

I felt slowed down and needing solitude yesterday, not going anywhere that I had planned. I needed to be quiet and in my home. I will go out today, perhaps make it to the redwoods today to hear their whispers and feel their wisdom. 

I will keep going, keep doing things that I love as I am able…volunteer at our local zoo, volunteer at the wildlife hospital, write, hopefully paint again at some point, be in nature and honor this sacred gift of life to the end. But I know that the feelings will keep coming and I will do my best to listen to them all. They are part of the journey, some more pleasant than others, but all part of it. I will honor them all, with gratitude. What a journey this life has been and continues to be. 

It’s time for my hangover cure….to breathe, get up, take a step, and keep going, with gratitude for it all.