Love too Big for my Heart

The ache of grief, the price of overflowing love

It is the end of another year. I have, as so many have, had losses this year. Losses seem to come more frequently as we age…losses of family and friends, both human and animal. 

I have written before about my love for elephants. I volunteered at our local zoo observing the amazing elephants for over 11 years. During those 11 years, I came to quietly know these majestic creatures, who taught me much about breathing in each moment, being themselves, and feeling connections beyond words. I am so grateful.

As with any love, there have been losses. We lost one of our female elephants, M’Dunda, in 2019. It was sudden and a shock to us all. It turns out she had a brain condition that affected her balance. She fell, and when she fell, she cut off her air supply due to the way that she fell, and she died quickly. I sobbed when I got the news, with an ache so raw and deep. This elephant was a gentle creature who had endured so much in her life before she was rescued. I came to love her. 

Moving forward, another of our females, Lisa, got sick to the point where she was euthanized (approximately 2 years ago). Again, I felt the ache of losing yet another beautiful creature that I had come to know and love. Lisa was feisty, and we enjoyed and appreciated that about her. One time when one of the zookeepers was blowing bubbles as part of a zoo event and Lisa happened to be close by (although of course on the other side of the heavy fence), she let him know that she was not pleased with his behavior, in her own unique way, by getting a trunkful of water and completely drenching him. All the laughter was delightful. The guests at the zoo thought that we had planned this stunt. No, this was Lisa being her feisty self!

Lisa had been close friends with Donna, another of our elephants. They slept touching each other at night, and would often be in the same area together most of the day. When Lisa died, the keepers knew that Donna needed to be around other females soon. Female elephants need to be part of a herd much more quickly than males need this. So, the decision was made to move Donna to the beautiful elephant sanctuary in Tennessee. It took much training to get her used to being in the trailer that would carry her to Tennessee, a 46-hour drive with the zookeepers, a vet, and an elephant transport specialist all following to make sure that she was ok. We were all relieved when she made it there. 

That left our only elephant, Osh, a male, by himself at the zoo. Males can often be alone in the wild, but Osh did need to be around other elephants eventually. The zoo tried to see what options were available. There were no other elephants that would be available to move to our zoo for several years, which was too long for Osh to be alone. So, the decision was made to move him to the same sanctuary that Donna was sent to, in the hopes that they could reconnect, once Osh acclimated to his new home. 

We all kept trying to remember that what was done was in the best interest of the elephants, in hopes of them having the best life possible, which is what we wanted for them. But we missed them terribly. Osh had lived at the zoo for 20 years, and the rest of the elephants even longer than that. .

On Christmas Eve day, the staff at the sanctuary noticed that Donna had seemed to be a bit different that morning. They were watching her and took some blood samples to try to figure out what was going on, as she had been eating and seemed to be herself prior to that. 

A short time later that morning, with the staff still around her watching her, Donna walked into the area where she usually slept, lay down, and quietly passed away.

I was in shock when I got the news from our dear zookeepers, who had to make these calls amid their own shock and grief. I couldn’t quite wrap my brain around the fact that Donna was gone. I am heartbroken, as are all who got to know her. More tears, more loss, and more grief wash over me, being ever more present companions on this journey of aging. 

And I notice that my heart, in addition to the deep grief, is overflowing with the love that I came to feel for all of these beautiful animals. I was on the behavior observation team, so I got to spend hours simply watching them and recording their behavior so we could see how they were doing, if anything changed, and if we needed to do anything more for them to give them the best life that we could.

Zoos are not perfect, by any means. And I think that having elephants in sanctuaries where they can just be elephants is the best option. 

But that doesn’t negate the bonds, the love between animals and humans, the connection, the deep knowing of another being without the need for words, that can happen in zoos as well as everywhere in our lives.

The zookeepers provided such loving care and did all that they could for each elephant. I was honored to watch the love with which they worked to care for our elephants, the bonds that were so tangible, the unspoken connections.

My heart is aching. My heart is also overflowing, as it is now holding 3 elephants who have died, as well as Osh, who seems to be doing well at the sanctuary, thankfully. He is reaching out to other elephants and slowly making contact. I have hope that he will do well there. I miss him, and I am happy for him.

I grieve, and I love. 

I think that aging is teaching me even more how we humans can hold so many feelings inside of our hearts at the same time. I think that we can learn from grief to cherish what and who is around us, how we can remember to love freely and spread kindness, how fragile our lives are and how we only have this moment. We love, we grieve, and we keep loving, grateful for having had the opportunity to love those that we have lost, and grateful for those that are still on the earth with us. 

We humans are capable of great love. And this is what I shall hold onto in the new year, and what I will choose to believe in and focus on. This is what will help sustain me and give me hope for the future. My vow for this new year and for the rest of my life shall be to continue to grow in being my authentic self. My tools include kindness wherever and whenever possible, as well as setting boundaries when needed. 

Thus it goes with our lives. We will love, so we will feel loss. We will grieve and feel the depth of our love. We will die, so we must live and love right now, while we can, and fully use these amazing hearts of ours that can contain so much.