3am Thoughts

It’s that time of the morning again

There is something special about 3am. I find it’s often a time when I wake up. Sometimes I go back to sleep, sometimes not.

Today was one of the days when I stayed up, had my first cup of coffee and sat still. 

Being an elder is an interesting time of life. My thoughts wander and include the awareness of mortality much more these days. I am grateful for each new day and find I do not take things for granted nearly as much. When your family and friends start dying at a more frequent rate, it gets your attention. Even the deaths of celebrities and movie stars that I grew up with strike me more deeply these days. It is the passing of a time, of a generation, of my past and my time. 

How to navigate this can sometimes be challenging for me, especially at 3am. I have thoughts of things past, thoughts of friends and family that I have been lucky enough to have in my life, thoughts of major milestones, of celebrations, of sad times, of regrets. My life flashes before me as if on a screen. I try not to linger on the regrets, although the drama of those can sometimes capture me for a while, along with the dose of guilt and shame that they can bring. 

How do we acknowledge, remember, appreciate our lives and not judge ourselves too harshly, so that we don’t lose the present time lost in those judgments. They can immobilize the best of us. 

I remember my childhood, especially as I recognize things that I can still carry over from that time, ways that I learned to cope that helped me survive then but that may not be so helpful these days. There were behaviors that I learned like trying to please others to feel worthwhile and safe, trying to present what I thought others wanted to see and hear. I do that much less these days, but it can still creep in. There is healing yet to be done.

I remember my adolescence, my young adulthood, family dynamics, the story of my life. I wonder about the purpose and meaning. What does it all mean? Did I do any good? Did I touch anyone’s life in a meaningful way? Have I tapped into my purpose?

What do I have to show for it all? Do we have to justify our existence, I wonder. Do I have to prove that my life was worth something? Did I matter, and do I matter now? These elder thoughts float through my mind and my body as I feel the reactions in my heart and gut. 

I can feel my body declining. Did I use it as well as I might have? Did I appreciate it enough or take things for granted that I can no longer simply do without thinking about them first. Am I utilizing it now, taking care of it now as best as I can.

I look around at all the stuff that I have accumulated. What for? I don’t need or use most of it. I try to declutter, and am dismayed that I can quickly fill up the spaces with more stuff. Why? Am I trying to hang onto life with the wish that I will still be around to use these things? 

So many questions, so many thoughts. I think about things I must do yet, like final arrangements. I have taken care of the financial details, but not the final details of what to do with my body. I resist this one somehow. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to have done, but have not taken any steps toward it yet. 

I look around at my home. When, or should, I move into a different type of living arrangement, like senior living, perhaps. I am alone, with no family, so making some kind of decision about that seems important. 

It’s very busy inside my head, buzzy sometimes. Memories, reflections, questions, and random thoughts all clamor for my attention. 

Maybe it’s time to go outside today for a walk. Be in nature. Breathe in the air in the redwoods. Notice the wildlife there. Smile at people walking by, acknowledging our bond in this sacred space at this moment. 

Maybe it’s time to bring myself back to the present, to now, to let my brain take a rest and let my body and spirit take over…and breathe.