The Ache of Grief

Saying goodbye to my elephant friend

My time volunteering (as a member of the Behavior Observation Team) with the elephants at our local zoo has come to an end. It’s a poignant, bittersweet time. 

Osh, our male and last remaining elephant, left to go to his new home in the Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee this week. There will be no more elephants at our zoo. Sanctuaries are better anyway, so it’s a good place for him to go. 

Goodbye to the elephant who I had spent hours observing, standing in front of him and feeling a connection that is beyond and deeper than words can express.

Goodbye to the young and compassionate young zookeepers who worked so lovingly with him each day, tending to his care, tuning into his needs, caring for him during days he might not be feeling so well, as he could sometimes get colicky.

Goodbye to the beautiful 6-acre elephant exhibit where I spent days and some nights. These times could be so peaceful and serene in the presence of these majestic beings. It became a place where I could truly appreciate the magnificence of this earth, its beings, its sacred night. 

There were 4 elephants when I began this journey with them over 11 years ago. Several years ago, our oldest female died at the age of 50. Then over a year ago, another of our females, Lisa, became ill and was beginning to fall, unable to lie down to sleep. She was humanely euthanized. That left two elephants, our female, Donna, (who was a very close companion of Lisa) and our male, Osh. Females need to be with other females more urgently than males (who can be solitary in the wild), so last year we sent Donna to the sanctuary in Tennessee. And now Osh, who has been on his own for a year now, is moving there as well. He needs to be around others of his herd and kind. It’s a good thing. And he and Donna will have the chance to reconnect. 

My heart is breaking. I want him to be happy, so I am glad that he will be around other elephants and get to live his life as an elephant. They don’t allow guests to see the elephants at the sanctuary, so he will be in peace and provided good care by the wonderful staff there. For this, I am happy.

But I am once again deep in grief. As an elder, this seems to be the time of life when I have to invite grief to come in, tell it to grab a chair and come sit beside me to teach me what it will, as it is with me more and more with each step on this journey of aging.

My heart aches deeply. I feel the pain in my heart area that erupts into tears at times, and other times simply radiates throughout my chest and entire body. I feel consumed by it and I am going to allow it to do what it will. I am retired, so I can stay home and allow whatever comes up inside to come. For that, I am grateful.

I spent the entire day at the zoo the day before he left, being with Osh and also with the compassionate young keepers, saying goodbye to them all, saying goodbye to that part of my life. This was a part of my life that helped keep me sane during the last years of my career. It became my elephant meditation. Quietly standing and observing other beings simply living their life reminded me to slow down and be more present to each moment. The stress of my job would fade away. 

And as this time of life seems to fill with goodbyes more and more, I also find that the new hellos are not quite as easy at this age. I am not as eager to fill the spaces left. For me, I need to feel the empty spaces, the loss….as I begin, in a much more visceral way, to feel the space that I will create when it is my turn to leave. 

I am so grateful to have been able to have had this sacred experience. And the loss is excruciating. The price of love is the grief of loss. I pay willingly, even if it is a painful exchange. I have been so blessed to be able to have done this in my life. It was a gift beyond description that surprised me with its depth. 

I have friends and connections in my life, but they do not compare to the connection with Osh. What an gift Osh gave me, to feel our spirits connect as we shared a bit of our time on this earth together, as we acknowledged each other and as we stood silently in front of each other. I am in awe of him, complete awe, wonder, and mystery. My soul has been filled with unconditional love for another being. It has been a connection that helps ease the human condition of loneliness for a while. It was being seen by another being in a way that is real, as words and roles could not get in the way. 

His deep rumbles, a way that elephants can communicate, I would feel to the core. His trumpets, when he became excited, were thrilling. His connection with the keepers and his intelligence were amazing. His tenderness and sweet disposition would bring smiles and such contentment. I could become calm in front of him when nothing else seemed to work. I could slow down, breathe, and be, simply be. 

And now he has gone to his new home. I miss him so much already. I will honor that hole in my heart, a 15,000-pound hole. I will feel the pain, remember and hold the love. To know that I can hold an elephant in my heart…I am grateful to know how big a heart can become, how much love it can hold, how tender and strong it is, both fragile and raw in its strength. 

Goodbye, Osh. Have safe travels and enjoy finding your herd again. You will always be in my heart. Thank you for sharing time with me on this earth. I’m sending rumbles, trumpets, and so much love.