No. Nope. Not Today.

I could not do one damn thing today, so I let it be.

Today was one of those days. I had no energy to do anything, not one bit.

So I allowed myself to say no to it all. No.

Most of my life, I have felt compelled to say yes when I didn’t mean it, to try and please others, to gain approval, to bend and twist myself into whatever shape I thought someone might want me to be in. It’s how I learned, at a very young age, to feel safer in the world. I am not here to blame or focus on my younger years, as my parents did what they knew and did their best. 

But I need to let go of that now. It no longer serves me. 

What does that mean, to let it go? I am not always certain, but I have to try to figure it out. 

For today, it meant that I stayed in my house and said no to almost everything. I did not want to go to the gym to exercise, I did not want to be around people, I did not want to do anything that anyone else wanted me to do. No. 

I have never really allowed myself to say no for a whole day unless I was sick. Only being ill allowed me to give myself permission to do nothing, to stop it all and just be. 

So today, I gave myself permission to say no, even though I was not physically sick. But maybe, just maybe, I needed to give myself a day to heal from things other than physical illness. Maybe I needed to allow myself to feel the bruising that we sometimes deny in our everyday lives, to tend to the wounds, or to at least acknowledge them.

Today my boundaries felt thin. Things could more easily get inside me and hurt. When I am like this, I have learned that it is best to avoid being around others. I cannot be social. I cannot do anything except allow myself to stop it all. I need to stop, breathe, and rest as needed.

And rest I did. Napping on and off, I didn’t realize how tired I had been. 

I am retired, the voice inside says, what the hell do I have to feel tired from? 

I am tired. I am tired of the news, of the pain of the world, ot the pain of the earth and its creatures, of the stress of not knowing what will happen in our election. I am tired from the stress of memories that come unbidden from my past.

I feel as if my soul is trying to get my attention and point to where I need to allow some healing to take place. Scars that may have broken open again need to be tended. 

For me, the medicine that I need on days like this is to have quiet and to have more solid boundaries with the rest of the world. I don’t want to talk with anyone, as my experience is that I am too tender right now to expose this part of me, to risk perhaps not having it heard. Today I needed to hear myself completely and allow space for all of it to be heard, validated, and to come out. 

Today I let myself feel all of the losses. I felt grief. I felt regret. I felt the sense of time gone, and going by ever more quickly. 

And yet, there was still part of me that felt that I should get out there and participate more fully and not shut down.

Nope. Not today. Today I faced this in the quiet of my home, alone, not talking with anyone. Today I just let myself feel sad or whatever I needed to feel. 

What might have brought this on? Perhaps lately I may have allowed some boundaries to be crossed that did not feel right, or I didn’t listen to what I might have needed or wanted. Maybe I gave myself away somewhere and the protest has risen inside me, demanding to be heard. 

I felt raw. It’s ok, really. Isn’t that one of the gifts of being alive, to feel? It doesn’t always feel pleasant or joyful or fun. That’s ok. It doesn’t have to. It’s all part of this path of life. 

So, today I was extra sensitive, extra tender, and I needed to say no. Not today. It was what I needed, for me, and that is reason enough. I don’t have to justify it to anyone, including what can be the relentless jury inside my own head. 

If I allow the space and permission for all the no inside me to come out, I can then know and better trust when I want to say yes. I can trust that my yes is authentic and real if I know that I can say no when I need to. 

So, the phone was not answered today. Texts and emails were not responded to, except briefly, so that folks knew I was still alive. The door was not opened. The walls were up and the fortress was closed.

It will open again, but not today.