Finding My Center and Balance

Realizing, finally, that my center of gravity has been inside me all along.

I have searched my entire life to find my center, my balance. 

When I was younger, and for most of my life, I have looked for external ways to center myself, to get that elusive sense of balance and wholeness. Trying to find that core deep within me reflected back to me from others. It never worked.

Now, further along on my journey of aging, I finally begin to understand why.

Childhood

I tried to use my parents’ centers as my own when I was a child. I tried to follow the rules, but they didn’t fit me exactly right.

Adolescence

I tried to follow my friends as I grew into adolescence. I wanted to fit in, but didn’t quite understand how to do that most of the time.

I tried to center myself on each new teacher or possible role model that I looked to for answers. Their answers were sometimes wise and felt like they were on the right track, and yet not quite there.

Young adulthood

I tried to center myself as part of a married couple. My husband and I were young, and were both trying to find our way, and ended up throwing each other off.

I tried to center myself on my career. It was something that I did, but it did not bring me home to myself and did not bring me balance.

Middle age

I tried to find new relationships to center myself on and around. We each bring our own issues into any relationship, and that makes finding a stable balance challenging. 

Elderhood

And now, retired, I have taken (and am still taking) a lot of quiet time with much solitude and space, hoping to find that elusive sense of being grounded, centered, and at home in my own being. I have felt lost at times, without any external object to try and define myself around. Lost and drifting.

Until I drifted right back to that face in the mirror. Until I drifted right back to the little girl that is still inside me, the teenager who is still there, the young and middle-aged adult, and now the elder. To all the selves that I have been. To all the selves that have always had that thread of who I am inside them. 

I realized that my core has been inside me all along. My center of gravity is, and must be, within me. 

Lessons Learned

I can be with others but cannot base who I am on them. I can relate to and connect with someone else and maintain my own values, opinions, and beliefs, without having to try to rearrange them to suit anyone else.

 I can do things that feel right, both for others and myself. I can now, retired from the work force, finally paint, and write. These things express parts of who I am but they are not my center.

My core is that sometimes small voice that tells me when something feels wrong somehow. The voice that whispers and nudges me in certain directions until I listen. The feeling that there is more inside me than I realized.

I can get energy and help from outside of me, but the center of me is still deep within. This was the me that was questioning. The me that was sad at not feeling heard. The me that didn’t realize that who I needed to be heard most from was me. The me that felt betrayed by others and who was taught to betray herself. Who wasn’t taught that I was, and am, worthy. 

The irony of it all

Isn’t it interesting that as we age and our physical balance can and often does become an issue, that emotional balance and core can be deeper and stronger than ever. 

I may now feel physically wobblier because my body is not as strong as it once was. Yet I can feel much less wobbly inside as my spirit and soul are stronger than ever. 

I find it ironic to realize what I have been looking for has been there all along, and that what threw me off balance was trying to arch and twist myself to make someone or something else my center. I had to take a step back into my own self. Stop wobbling in my definition of who I am. Stop wobbling in standing up for myself, in saying no, because I have the right. 

The core and connections

My core connects to the earth, to its plants, trees, and animals. My core is part of the earth, as I am part of her. My core, in the physical sense, is not as taut or tight (what happened to all my muscles?), but my emotional core is solid, having come through struggles and pain and having become stronger through it all. 

I now know that I am connected to a power greater than I. And I know that this connection comes from my center directly to that power without any intermediaries needed. 

Have I made mistakes? Yes. 

Do I have regrets? Yes.

 Does that negate my goodness and compassion? No.

 I can get lost at times, get distracted and have my sense of direction waiver. And I can make decisions that are not the best. But that doesn’t mean that I am defective.

 I can keep working to come home to myself. I don’t have to be perfect. The answers are inside me, even if I may not access them immediately with all the external noise that gets in the way. 

My core is that which cannot always be named but which can be felt and experienced and lived by. 

The Core Ingredients

One of my core’s ingredients is love. This love had to be fully directed to myself to then be able to be fully directed to others. To stand solidly in self-love is to then be able to reach out without losing my balance. To feel and appreciate the beauty of our foundation is to be able to build bridges from it to others. Bridges that are solid and don’t crumble when connected to another. 

I now know the importance of embracing the darkness as well as the light, so that when darkness from the world or others comes my way, I will not be thrown off center. I know how to contain that darkness and hold it when and where necessary. And I know that I am more than that darkness.

I will be solid in appreciating this self inside of me, realizing that any comparison to others is unnecessary and does not make sense. We each have our own core of beauty and light. We need not compare. 

My GPS has finally been repaired and can be allowed to turn back around toward me. I can appreciate each connection and all the love that I have been lucky enough to experience along the way without having to give away the power of my own center, soul, and Self. I can claim my right to co-exist with others. Not more, not less. With the right to take up my own space, on a solid foundation and in balance, finally.