Bright Lights Are Not My Friend

I’ll take soft warm lights anytime.

Who knew that buying some globe bulbs for my bathroom would trigger yet another aspect of this aging process?

What could possibly come up with buying some globe bulbs, you ask.

Nothing, I would have said, before I embarked on that project. 

This time, I decided to buy the bulbs online. And I got to then watch some videos about each of the different bulbs, their lighting, their qualities, their brightness.

Ah, their brightness.

I watched and listened to young people in these videos talking about how wonderfully bright and white the light is from this model of bulb and how they can see everything so much more clearly.

So, let me step back for a moment and think about that. 

I am not denying what I see in the mirror, not at all. There are lines, dark circles and bags under my eyes, more chin than I care to own, and a face that does not reflect my inner vision of what I look like. I see it alright, but my insides do not quite line up with it. Not yet. Maybe never. 

I do not deny my 70 years on this earth. I have earned this face. 

So, I wondered, even though I am being told that bright white light is better, that this is the gold standard that I should be looking for, that I need to see everything in that mirror, I ask myself… Is that true for me? 

Maybe it is ok for me to order the warmer lights. The softer lights. Why shouldn’t I have a choice in what I look at first thing in the morning? Why do I need to have the harshest version of myself looking back at me before I have even had my morning coffee?

Another part of me says, you need to face reality.

Really, I respond to this part. Really? 

This made me think even more. 

There seem to be messages in our world of how we should face the truth, the reality of what is. That we should not color it, soften it, or change it in any way. If we were real adults, we would not flinch. We would be courageous. We would embrace what we see and accept it. 

Well, I am not that evolved yet. I may never be. And I have decided that this is ok. It is not that I do not know what time is doing to my face and body. It is that I can choose to soften the blow where I can. Where I can have a more glowing version of myself looking back at me. Why not?

Maybe I can remember to see parts of the world that way as well. 

Yes, I am very aware of the harsh realities of life, of the suffering in the world, its people, its creatures and plants, the very earth itself. I feel it all, sometimes so acutely that it can immobilize me for a while.

But do I need to listen to the news all day long? Do I need to force myself to face that every moment? 

Can I allow myself to see other things? Can I allow myself to balance the constant input of violence, negativity, hate and divisiveness? 

Can I give equal time and attention, I wonder, to the warmer light of what is happening around me. The kindness of strangers that I see every day. Families working hard to have the best life possible, with laughter amidst the pain of those struggles. 

People coming together to support each other each day.

The beautiful sunrises and sunsets. The majesty of the forests, the sacredness of the ocean. The desire of young people to save this earth, to stop the mindless destruction.

 The humanitarian aid in the midst of bloody wars. 

The many organizations that are formed to try and help where they can.

The smile and kind eye contact from a stranger as I walk down the street. The love of friends who check in to see how I am doing.

 The laughter of a group of women sitting together in a coffee shop enjoying each other’s company. 

The wonder of a child watching the elephants at the zoo, where I volunteer. 

The handyman who kindly points out things that need to be fixed that I have no knowledge of but that could cause me much more trouble later if I let them go. And who does not charge me a fortune to fix these things. 

The friend who brings me a cappuccino when she comes to visit, simply because she knows that I love my cappuccinos.

The friend who brought me some herbal remedies during a recent bout of RSV. Who also went out of her way to also bring some hot soup and treats without being asked to do this at all.

There is kindness all around if I stop to look at it.

Yes, we need to face the harsh realities of life. Yes, we need to see the truth. And we need to do what we can, where we can.

But maybe, just maybe, it’s ok to soften the light every now and then. And to let ourselves see things with a warmer glow. For the sake of our souls and our hearts.

Light and dark. Bitter and sweet. Sadness and joy. It’s all connected, all part of the gift of life.

I will feel it all, and realize it is all important. And still choose the soft warm bulbs when I can.