Feeling Alone

Sometimes it’s hard to feel the aloneness

Photo by Diego San on Unsplash

I firmly believe that we need to feel all of our feelings. All of them. In order to live our fullest, most present life.

Sometimes, though, it’s hard to feel some of those feelings.

I woke up feeling so very alone this morning. 

It’s not that I don’t have dear friends and a social network. I do, albeit small. I don’t do large groups well. A small network of more intimate friends works better for me.

And sometimes, a feeling of such deep aloneness (which feels very different than loneliness for me) floods over me and overwhelms me.

Like it did this morning.

I feel the vastness of the world around me. The busy movement of life around me. Young people going to work. My young neighbors tending to their sweet families. My older neighbor (as in my age) and her children and grandchildren and all of their partners. 

I am alone. I have, for some reason, seemed to work to achieve this in my life. Growing up had some challenges for me, as it does for us all. I craved a sense of peace and tranquility and acceptance of myself. Closeness to others meant feeling judged as less than, as not good enough. 

I’ve been married, and am grateful for that experience and for the sweet man who was my husband. He remarried and went on to have two sons. We, when married, had decided to not have children. Interesting. I’m glad he found someone to share his life with that perhaps matches him better than I could. 

I have always been blessed with dear friends along this path of my life. Some of them are gone now. I miss them very much. Sobering, this death thing.

I now, being retired for almost three years, have time to devote to things that I love. Writing. Painting. Being in nature more. Maybe even a bit of travel to look forward to. I am grateful.

And yet there are times when I find it hard to get satisfaction. From anything. When that dreaded question What’s the point? comes up.

Although I have found that I can validate myself more these days, there are still those times. Times when I doubt everything. Times when I feel lost. Times when I feel frozen.

 Times when I deeply feel my place moving up in that line of waiting to die. 

Times of wondering what the rest of my path will be. What age related changes will keep coming? What do I have to show for this precious life that is winding down? What difference have I made to anyone? To the earth?

I don’t have any answers. Yet I keep moving and keep going on. This feeling is with me, often. 

I know that there are other feelings that are within me as well.

Feeling connected to the earth and its creatures. Sometimes in a way that is deeper than any connection to people. 

Feeling like I am finally letting my soul speak when I write, when I paint. Grateful to still be alive and have time to do those things.

Grateful for dear friends who can hear and share some of these feelings with me. We help each other feel a bit less alone for a few moments. 

Grateful to be able to volunteer at our local zoo with the elephants. They teach me about being in the moment. They bring me comfort and quiet some of the noise in my head.

Grateful for friends who are drawn to some of my paintings. Who see a piece of me in those canvases.

Grateful for readers who comment that some of my writing has touched them in some way. 

Grateful to still be alive and on this earth. Feeling the preciousness of each moment that I am still granted. 

Grateful for all the feelings. 

Grateful for life. 

8 thoughts on “Feeling Alone

  1. Oh, Jo. I could have written what you wrote. I have many of the same feelings. I think the same thing about what am I doing here. Life seems like such a grind some days. I so worry about the aging process and how I’m going to get through it. I think my salvation will to continue developing a deep meditation practice. I apprciate that you write and share your thoughts with the rest of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There are times in life when we will feel alone and these can be a moment, short lived or for a long time. It can be when in a crowd, in a field without anyone around or in a supermarket or a train station full of commuters, in our homes being single or in a really sound relationship. There’s not much chance of not feeling alone at some point and ponder or not the meaning of life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, I completely agree. It is part of the human condition. And although I don’t always enjoy the feeling, I welcome the lessons that it can bring. Being human is such an interesting journey.


  3. I can relate from start to finish with everything in this essay you so eloquently penned. That ache of aloneness especially in conjunction with that mind bending question…What’s the point! or Why am I here? Still finding purpose or meaning or simply just waking into another dawn when each day seems so familiar. When Dexter(german shepherd), my adventure co-pilot passed away in 2020, it was really difficult to even want to be around people, and I spent a fair amount of time hiking by myself. Which was restorative and connecting too. Then a new member arrived, Shiloh, and the 3rd member of our original trio, EllieMae, also passed away. Where Dexter and EllieMae were adapted to quiet out of the way explorations, Shiloh is quite the opposite, she thrives around others of her own species and mine. It’s been an adjustment for me, finding balance.
    Sometimes I wonder if it’s a collective aloneness I feel at 3 a.m. or periodically throughout the day. In some ways it seems greater in intensity than just what I feel in any given moment.
    Thank-you for putting words, expressing the nuances of living….♥

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for your response, Cindy, and for sharing some of your own story. I’m sorry for your losses (such a part of life, yes? And more and more as we age…). And I’m glad you have Shiloh now. I know what you mean about the pain feeling more intense than individual pain. I think we do share it… Especially those 3am times. We are all connected in more ways than we realize. Thank you again, for your kind comment.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s