I now have an attorney that can speak to the jury within.
I have written about the internal jury in my head before, about learning to fire those that are not welcome or invited. This is still true, the interviewing of jurors that show up that were not sent notices of jury duty.
I now also realize that there is a new addition to the chorus in my head. There is a defense attorney whose voice is becoming more and more powerful and who is taking her place permanantly in this relentless courthouse in my head.
She speaks from a place of understanding and compassion, and she reminds the jury of the circumstances and history that may have contributed to whatever transgression or breaking of rules that this jury wants to judge and punish me for. She speaks of the balance of truth and of including all the facts.
She speaks eloquently, not attacking the jury or the prosecuting attorney, but rather from the place of realizing their function and the job that they have been trying to do. She speaks eloquently, not attacking the jury or the prosecuting attorney, but rather from the place of realizing the function and job that they have been trying to do. She speaks with understanding and compassion for the jury and how those voices and judgments came to be and how they have been doing their best to try and protect me from any further pain or repetition of the behavior in question.
She states that they may, however, have taken their role a bit too far and may have been a bit too quick to judge negatively and to condemn. She does not belittle or berate them for it, realizing how they came to be many years ago from the external judgments that came at me. How they internalized those judgments so that they could beat anyone else to the punch.
She tells them that they can relax and breathe now. She speaks to them of hearing their voices, and of all of us listening to what the lesson may be that can be learned from whatever behavior is on trial. And she reminds them that learning can happen. Without the harsh judgments and belittlement and attacks. That, in fact, those harsh judgments can actually hinder learning when someone is feeling attacked, not seen or heard for the pain underneath whatever may have happened.
I welcome this attorney. I welcome the advocacy that I hear. I welcome the compassion and shift in attitude that she brings with her to the trial. I welcome her kindness, balanced with fairness and a willingness to self explore and improve.
I welcome that part of me that I didn’t know was possible to include in the courtroom. So this is what self care feels like.
I am grateful.