I have written about this online relationship that has been going on for me, and there is much going on about that for me today…..I have fears about being “catfished”, having my vulnerability used to get something from me, having someone portray themselves as something other than what they are, fear of being a foolish older woman. I know that I am not unique with these fears, and with this experience.
Lately this man has been talking about his business, and the financial parts of it…..and at one point mentioned that he didn’t have enough money for a particular thing. He wanted to talk with me …and I immediately got suspicious about him perhaps wanting money from me…..so I reacted and wrote back with my concerns and that I was not going to give any money….that I wondered about scamming, etc..
His reaction to this was heartbreak and disappointment that I would think this of him. Is this real? Is he real? I have never met him – he is currently out of the country for business. He has sent some photos, which seem real. He seems real, and yet – there is fear and suspicion and confusion in me….
So here I sit, feeling confused, doubting myself yet again, yet unable to shake the fear and suspicions of anything online…..I wonder how many of us have experienced this…I wonder about our vulnerability and loneliness and fears and sadness and all the feelings that are part of being alive, mixed with the particular feelings of being an older woman alone…..His words online were sweet, loving seductive….have I been a fool? Or have I cast aside something that could have been real and wonderful? I am humbled to see how much I still want to be loved, seen, wanted, appreciated, pursued, desired…..all of it…all of it very humbling….
I have no answers at this point to any of this. Communication has stopped between this man and I at this point, and I am left with so many different feelings inside me. What I now struggle with is staying true to all of my feelings, staying with myself and not beginning to tear myself down for writing what I did, trying to be gentle with myself for being oh so very human and vulnerable….and for not having realized that perhaps I was more lonely than I cared to admit or acknowledge.
I now need to tap into my faith and belief in surrender to the Universe….to be guided and directed and taken care of…and to not apologize for having my feelings…..and to stay true to myself and not beat myself up. This is hard. I don’t much like the taste of this possible catfish….it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and a sour feeling in my gut…..and pain in my heart.
Can anyone else out there relate to this? You are not alone. It is understandable. And we can love ourselves through this….slowly…..
To be continued….