The richness within….the eternity of Self

It’s Saturday morning reflection time again……It has been a challenging week in some ways, and also a very full and rich week.

I believe in Divine Guidance and timing. So, I love to write and I also love to paint. I have not painted for some time, and out of the blue, a young woman asked for a particular painting from me (a purple cow!) and I have begun to paint this fun purple cow! And it humbles me and fills me with some awe and wonder that this feels like the Universe giving me a gentle nudge to begin painting again. As the Universe has also helped guide me to write more, to start this blog (and I am such a beginner at it, but not letting that stop me!), and to also begin voice lessons. All of these are ways of finding, claiming and expressing my voice in so many different ways. We speak with our voices, and with so much more. I am grateful. And I am also grateful and in wonder that those parts of me that I remember from very long ago (drawing, writing) are still there. No matter what life has thrown at us, that core and inner part is still there. It is just waiting…..until we can invite it to come out again and show itself. Having recently retired (the end of May), I am blessed to have more time now to re-acquaint myself with me. All of me. As if to say to myself….welcome back, I have missed you. I am so glad that you waited and are still there. Let me hear what you have to tell me. I am listening. I am here.

I am also facing yet another challenge and lesson in life. I have had two kitties that are my family for 17 years. Last June (two weeks after I retired) I lost one of them. Too soon, too pressured by the vet (that will be another post) and such a deep and painful ache. And now my other kitty has masses that are growing in his liver, and we watch and assess. So today, I have a zoom appointment for a “quality of life” assessment with a pet hospice/palliative care group. I never even knew that this was something that existed. We will talk about my dear kitty and his symptoms and how he is doing. I do not want to rush this, but also don’t want him to suffer. This process is painful. And I am grateful for each day that I have with him. I am grateful that he was with me for Thanksgiving. In this time of COVID and isolation and no hugs, I hold him close for comfort…for both of us. It is hard to face his decline and it will be devastating to have him die when it is time.

Indeed, it is painful to face my own mortality (having recently worked on my own Advance Directive for what i do and don’t want done at my own time to leave). Isn’t it interesting … to feel closer to death and yet more alive than ever? To appreciate each moment more (even the painful ones) in the growing recognition that the number of moments we each have is limited and finite. To cry from grief and gratitude at the wonder of it all. To be alive…..and painting purple cows….

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