We are all so hungry to share our stories, to be deeply listened to, and to have our feelings heard.
I went to see my dentist the other day. I love my dentist. He is a delightful young man who is starting his own practice, and I followed him there from his previous job. It’s a longer drive for me to get there, and I am totally ok with that. When you find someone that you trust, you stick with them.
We have had conversations over the past few years, and I get the privilege of hearing about his young family (a new baby, now 1 year old) as well as occasionally getting videos of his wonderful new daughter and lovely wife. The delight in both her and her parents’ eyes and smiles are wonderful to see. As someone who has no family in this area, I find that I tend to adopt families. Like my young neighbors and their children. Like anticipating my newest neighbor to be, who is due to arrive in May. Like my dentist.
He worked on my chipped tooth and the filling that fell out. Since it’s on my front tooth, this has been a more than one-time replacement. It’s ok. I get to see him and visit.
At one point, he was done with the work. He had begun talking a bit about his problem of finding a good dental assistant. His last one, after receiving some feedback about what might have been a bit less than professional conduct (she spoke about a patient who was still sitting right there in the chair), got very offended and walked out at lunch and never returned.
We don’t always think of the effect that this type of incident may have on the one who was left, on the boss.
Here was this young man, clearly troubled by what happened, and who found himself questioning what he might have done wrong, why she would just walk out and not talk about it with him. He talked about being tearful about this after it happened and a bit shocked. He felt abandoned, especially since he had to reschedule some of the remaining patients for the day as he could not handle them all by himself. His wife usually helps in the office and was not able to be there that day due to childcare issues. So, he was completely alone.
I was honored that he shared this with me, that he shared this vulnerable piece of himself. We spoke a bit about some of the issues, about some of what might have happened, about some of the issues of the difficulty that some folks have receiving feedback. Even what may be constructive feedback (even when done in private) can still feel like an attack to some people.
He went on to talk about the pressures of starting a new business, how he loves what he does and his patients, and how he hopes that things settle down in a bit.
As I was leaving, I noticed that there happened to be a young man in the waiting area who was there for an interview as a possible new dental assistant, and who I felt good energy from. I later heard that my dentist would offer him the job. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
And now the insurance agents
Then this week I needed to call my insurance agent.
In California, as some of you may have heard, many insurance companies have been pulling out of the state altogether, due to fire hazard issues. And many companies who may still be here are refusing to renew their clients’ homeowners’ policies. This happened to me last year. So, I called another agency when this happened and this young man on the phone helped me navigate the maze of applying for other insurances. There are insurances of last resort, but at least it’s a policy.
I called my agent again recently to clarify some papers that had been sent about the renewal of the policies that I now had, and found out that the original agent that I spoke with last year had resigned. He couldn’t take the stress of all the cancellations of policies and clients’ anxiety about what to do next.
This young man that I now spoke with talked about how difficult it has been for all of them. It’s been very difficult for all the clients, but also for the staff. He shared about how stressful it has been for them to try and help their clients and what an ordeal it is to help them try to get new policies. I could hear the exhaustion in his voice. He went on for a bit about how he got to bear the brunt of the anxiety and complaints when it was not him that caused this all. I reflected that this reminded me of a waiter getting the complaints about the food, something that he had nothing to do with.
After a bit more of venting, he apologized for releasing all this and talking about it to me. I immediately asked him to please not apologize, that it was helpful to let this out, and that it was totally ok with me for him to let it out and vent. Go for it, I said. So, he vented a bit more.
Next come the grocery clerks.
I go to the local grocery store and so am familiar with and to the clerks there. They share with me if they are having a bad day, how tired they are. One of them pulled me aside to talk about the puppy that he had adopted but had to let go, because he couldn’t afford the vet bills for medical care needed. (Hopefully this sweet puppy found a new good home). The clerk was sad about this, had become attached of course, and was grieving.
The basic need that we all have, and that elders may be able to provide.
As an elder now, maybe I have more time to be present and listen. Maybe I have slowed down enough to really be able to gaze into someone’s eyes and see that they are going through something, to hear the catch in someone’s voice, and to offer some minor comfort and care.
I think that we can all offer this to others, especially we elders. As we have more time to reflect, perhaps, on life and relationships and issues that we may have had, we can perhaps hear more of the depth of what others may be struggling with. We can offer that ear, that open heart, and that reassurance that they can get through this, that they are ok, that they probably are doing the best that they can, but sometimes it’s hard. Really hard.
We can ask someone how they are. And listen. Give them the gift of being present with them, of being witnessed, seen, and heard, of an emotional hug. We can give them the gift of holding who they are with our attention, the gift of someone hearing them from further along the path than they are, offering comfort, care, and elder presence.
I can’t fix most things for anyone, but I can listen. And sometimes that is the best gift of all.
I'm Not Dead Yet! 