Random Gifts

You never know when something magical will appear

In these challenging times in our country and in the world, I find that I treasure unexpected moments of grace and joy.

I realize that I need to slow down to be present for these moments and to appreciate them. I need to stop focusing on all the chaos and pay attention to the beauty all around.

I’ve had a few of these special moments recently that I am grateful for.

I’ve had moments of walking in the redwoods and having a butterfly stay close to me on the path for a while, or having a raven follow along with me for a few moments, flying to another branch close to me as I go along. I speak to it and like to think that it hears and responds to me.

I have birdbaths in the back yard and can look up in a random moment to catch one (or sometimes three or four at once!) taking a bath. Have you ever stopped and really watched a bird take a bath? It is its own type of ballet, quite intricate and lovely (and thorough!).

I volunteer at the zoo, and those moments watching and connecting with animals are amazing. I have spent time in front of an elephant, both of us standing still and aware of each other. There are no words for that sacred connection.

I have stood in front of a California condor, both of us looking at each other. Words are not needed. I am humbled by the majesty that I get to observe. When he spreads his wings, I am in awe of the splendor.

I watch children mesmerized by the bears, sitting in front of the glass part of the pool at the bear exhibit, staring at the bears right in front of them, with the bears sometimes staring right back. This is such a sweet and sacred moment of pure connection to be lucky enough to witness.

I feel blessed to be able to write and have others respond to what I write. Each response is such a delight and a connection that can surprise me at times with its depth. Recently, I had a fellow volunteer at the zoo come up to me and ask if I was the woman in the photo that he showed me on his phone, asked me if I was “that blogger” and went on to tell me that his wife loves my writing! OMG! Could he possibly mean me? Yes, that was my photo. This happened on my birthday, and was the best gift I could have received! To be seen, heard, recognized was such a delight, and which I think can be one of the greatest gifts that we can give each other. He even wanted to take a selfie with me! What??!! This was such a delightful moment and one that kept me smiling for the rest of the day.

I have yet another zoo experience to share. The other day a little boy came up to me with a sticker with a picture of a mountain lion on it. I wasn’t sure what he wanted. The docents (which I am not) have animal cards that they give to the children. I don’t carry the cards, being one of the animal behavior observation team, so I wondered if he wanted a card. I asked him, but he just held out the sticker. He didn’t say anything, so I wondered if he was non-verbal. I then asked if the sticker was for me, pointing to myself. He nodded! And I was so happy to get that gift, and thanked him so much, holding my hands crossed at my heart and smiling. I looked up and caught his mother’s eye as we both smiled at each other. What a lovely random gift. With no idea as to what triggered that connection for him, I was so touched and honored by his gift. I will treasure that sticker.

I was at another protest the other day, glad to be among all the people there. A young woman in front of me turned around, talking about how great this was to do this together, to see each other. I responded yes that it helped us feel less alone. We made eye contact, felt the connection and resonance… all with someone whose name I did not know, but whose heart I met in that moment.

Sometimes when walking along, there may be a random stranger and we make eye contact. Mostly it’s brief, and we look away. But there are those times that the look lasts for a bit, and we smile, acknowledging that we see each other and are saying hello without words. Those moments can change the course of what might have been a difficult day up to that point.

A friend from many years ago recently sent me a beautiful journal that she saw and said made her think of me. How lovely to receive this journal from her, and how lovely that something that she saw brought me to mind. It tells me that I still exist at times within her, as she does within me. I love to call her a sweet nickname that we used to call her in college, as a way to bring a smile and to say I remember her and that I still love her.

My ex-husband and I have lovely email contact on our birthdays and anniversaries. This has been such a healing treasure for me. The love that was there, although different in form, survived, even if it was dormant for many years. I am so grateful that we are in contact again, and that we hold each other in our hearts.

As I continue to age, it becomes so important to know that I continue to be in others’ hearts, that I am remembered, that I am seen and heard, that there is still love. And that I can also remember to feel that within and for myself, to acknowledge all that I have gone through, and that I am still here, still sensitive to it all, still alive.

My young neighbor, a sweet young woman, helps to raise Guide Dogs for the Blind. One of them that she had for a while, a beautiful black lab named Whistler, connected in a special way with me. (I think we may have known each other in a past life!) When he visits, he comes up to me with such excitement and love. It makes my day. My neighbor says that he looks out the window when he sees me get home and watches me until I walk through the front door, and that he often will look out the window toward my house to see if I am there.

The other day, this same neighbor came over and brought me a beautiful lilac sprig from her garden. The scent was amazing. What is even more amazing is that I lost almost all my sense of smell years ago after some sinus surgery and it only comes back very randomly and infrequently, mostly for vanilla. But, that day, I could smell that glorious lilac and it brought me to tears. You really appreciate something once you have lost it and get to have it again, even for a moment. I have the memory of that scent still, even as I write this.

Life is not easy, and these times are certainly not easy. I am often filled with anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger, and fear about what will happen. And yet, amid all this, I get these wonderful moments and gifts. These gifts from nature, from the Universe, from God, all remind me to slow down, breathe, and feel the miracles that are still here, still around me. And that helps me come back into my body, helps fortify me for the battles, and helps calm me and remind me to savor each random gift and moment of this one precious life.

Feeling Lost

The world has changed and I can’t find my way. Yet.

Our country is in the midst of so much change. It feels chaotic, overwhelming, and like it’s too much. Some say that this is the tactic, to overwhelm us so that we cannot find our center, cannot get balanced, cannot think clearly and get lost in the sea of chaos, confusion, and destruction.

I agree that our political system needed reform, revamping, cleaning up. But that is not, in my opinion, what is happening. What I see is that our system is methodically being destroyed, piece by piece. The rhetoric would have us believe that it is for our good and to make us great. What I see is that it is for the good of a few and can make their wallets greater than they already are, with the cost being left for the rest of us to bear.

A would-be-king and bully (and in my opinion, this would-be-king shows no love for his subjects, only love for power and money and those who have it) is slowly trying to take over, change everything that we have stood for in this country, and destroy all rule of law. Laws that, even though imperfect, are meant to keep us safe, to help us progress, to be for our good. Instead of these laws, we are being told to conform, agree, and offer praise to this would-be-king. And fear begins to be planted for what might happen to any who disagree. Free speech is disappearing. Education and research are disappearing. Inclusion and the goal of unity for us all, which we desperately need, are disappearing. Divisiveness and hatred are being modeled and even rewarded. Killers are being pardoned and those who dare to disagree are being sought for the purpose of retribution. We are being separated from those who have been our allies and friends.

We can no longer disagree in a civil manner. Now what we are seeing is that everyone who doesn’t agree is called the other, an enemy to be hated and destroyed. What happened to the land of the free? What happened to the land that welcomed all with open arms, which promised to help them get a better life for them and their families? What happened to the country that was a world leader that tried to stand for values and ethics and the greater good, again, imperfectly, but at least the intention was there. There was pride for who we were and what we stood for, what we believed in, what our deepest core values were.

I am dismayed, shocked and frightened about all that is going on. I pray that resistance grows and gets strengthened, that our politicians, who we voted to help represent all of us, grow a backbone and do just that. I am sad. I am now an elder, so my time is short, but I worry about future generations. My young neighbors and their babies…what world will they inherit? This earth that is ours to take care of now will be more quickly raped, destroyed, and drilled, baby, drilled. The trees, the land, the creatures, this precious earth that is our home is being ravaged. She is our mother, and we are raping her. The animals are our fellow beings on this earth, and we are destroying them one by one.

Our forefathers tried to build in safeguards so that democracy could last. The Constitution was formed for a reason, and it is being ignored. Judges and orders are ignored. Non-elected people are allowed access to our private data, simply because they are wealthy. Wealthy financially, but certainly not in compassion, empathy and humanity. Being in tune with this is called woke. When did being awake to issues become a pejorative word? When did kindness get thrown out of the political arena? Are we now condoning violence as the best method to achieve what we want? Do we now feel the right to claim land that belongs to others? Do we now alienate our neighboring countries, neighbors who have helped us during disasters?

I have never felt shame about being an American before, and that makes me very sad. I love this country, but I do not love what is happening now. Can it be turned back around? I fear that some of the damage will take a long time to repair, if ever. How quickly it is being destroyed. I no longer doubt the power of cults.

People’s pain, suffering, and vulnerability have been manipulated and used to absorb them into this cult, with promises that cannot be kept, with words that have no substance, with lies that are believed to be truths.

The emperor has no clothes, but the followers will not see it.

We are in danger. The truth is painted as lies, while lies masquerade as truth. Critical thinking is maligned. The poisonous Kool-Aid has been swallowed.

That’s my darkness within and my fear. Those are my thoughts.

And yet, I cannot give up hope. I see and hear more about growing resistance. I was heartened to see all the protests on President’s Day. But we need to do more. Calls are being made to officials. Will they hear us? Companies are being boycotted. Will the rich buy them off or subsidize what their losses might be? Our president has been bought, and maybe the last election as well. We were proud to show what a peaceful transfer of power looked like. I wonder if this was the best way to proceed. Did we play right into their hands?

Was the country so afraid to elect a woman, and perhaps especially a black woman? Did they capitalize on racism and misogyny to diminish her. Do we really have a VP who thinks that childless women are worthless, unhappy, and unfulfilled in their lives. Women’s rights to decisions about their own bodies have been taken away.

Did we really have someone giving a Nazi salute with no consequences. Did they really cheer that salute and try to gaslight us into thinking it was something else.

We are being gaslighted in so many ways, and it can make us all feel crazy. We need to come together. We are stronger than this. We can do better. I need to believe that. I need to have hope. I need to use my voice and encourage others to do the same. We are more than this.

God help us all. Kindness and love are strong, often stronger than they get credit for. But we must also set boundaries where limits need to be set. We cannot allow ourselves to be destroyed. How do we come back together? Can we?

Letting Go of Disappointment

The wisdom of aging can bring this gift

Aging brings many gifts, some more challenging than others.

Letting go of disappointment is one of those gifts for me.

Being in the land of elderhood can bring the wisdom to realize that there are many things (most) that we have no control over. I spent my youth trying to make things around me be as I thought that they should be, including people. I was trying to get my needs met through one person at a time, trying to mold them into being what I thought that I needed.

I was frequently disappointed.

Of course I was disappointed. It was a set up for failure, as people are who they are. I am finally seeing this more clearly, learning to accept things that cannot be changed, and instead learning to see what is there in front of me.

I don’t mean that people in relationships can’t ask each other for needs and wants so that then the other person can see if they give those. What I am referring to is something different. I, in my past, unfairly wanted someone who may have expressed their love in their own language, which didn’t match mine, to be who I wanted them to be, not realizing that this was someone who may have had a different view of what our relationship was and who could never meet what I thought that I needed.

As an elder, I now try to see people for who they are and what their gifts and strengths are. I am also more realistic about what I can or cannot give to someone else, if their needs may not be something that I can meet without sacrificing too much of myself.

What a relief it is to reach this point. When I work to accept others, I find that I am more open to receiving love in different forms. I am grateful for it all.

I can discern when I stop and take the time to see people as they are, who may be a good enough fit and who it may be better to let go and wish them well. Not everyone is a good fit, and that’s ok. It is such a relief to welcome the word no into my vocabulary.

This theme and practice of acceptance fits so many areas of my life these days. Aging brings many issues, and acceptance of each can bring its own gift.

Feeling invisible brings the benefit of feeling more comfortable in allowing myself to be more of who I am.

My changing body is teaching me to let go of defining myself by my physicality and to learn to embrace the whole of me.

Increasing losses and grief bring an appreciation for each moment and for who and what that I still have in my life, as well as gratitude for those gone.

Loneliness can bring the gift of remembering to go within, to explore my own company, to cherish the gift of solitude and the peace that this can bring me.

The reality of mortality brings more permission to let go of worrying about others’ expectations, of trying to please others, and realizing that now is the time to finally be myself.

Love now comes in different forms, like the smile of a stranger, the kindness of friends, the chance encounter that reaches a depth that can be such a delightful surprise. It can even come in the whisper of a breeze, the wag of a tail, the purr of a furry companion.

Now comes the real challenge for me…finally accepting myself with all my flaws and humanity. Can I forgive myself, can I realize that I did the best that I could at the time, even though the inner critic keeps telling me that I could have done better. Can I accept my mistakes?

Can I still keep growing while still loving the current version of myself, learn lessons that I still need, let go of any disappointment that I feel about myself? Can I give the love that I have craved all of my life to myself, finally?

As elders, I think that this can be one of our greatest lessons. We are all human, all flawed, all have made mistakes, all have regrets. The road from disappointment to acceptance can be a challenging one, but one filled with such rewards, as we learn to stop and see the love and gifts that are right there in front of us, as well as within us.