My Last Day of Being 72

The next birthday is upon me

Tomorrow I will reach the age of 73. The number still somehow amazes me. When did that happen? I don’t remember. It’s all a blur after reaching 70. That felt like a major turning point.

Yes, I will hear age is just a number, life is what you make it, be grateful you have arrived as many people don’t get the chance to get here. I agree with all of that. And I still have the right to all my feelings about it. I feel gratitude for life, for being here still, for each breath. And I have other feelings about it too. That’s part of the joy and challenge of being human. We can contain so many different and sometimes conflicted feelings at the same time. 

So, please bear with me as I express some of the feelings that can sometimes make others feel compelled to give me advice, which feels like telling me to not share those parts of me. The feelings are part of the mix, part of my story, part of my journey and do not negate the rest of the feelings. We sometimes have such a need to categorize things as good or bad, ok to feel or not, worthwhile or not. But they are just feelings that are part of my human experience. And it’s ok to feel them all. We can learn from all of it.

With that in mind, here is a bit of what is going on inside me today.

I am increasingly aware of the road before me being much shorter than the road behind me. I sometimes get scared of this great unknown. I am thinking that it is time to make the final arrangements. I have the estate plan, but have procrastinated on this last detail. It’s time. 

I have issues from my past that I contain within me still. Somehow part of me must have believed that I would magically work through them all one by one and reach a state of not having them anymore. Well, that didn’t happen!

I still feel the feelings of my childhood, the critical voices that became part of my head that tried to steer me and protect me from more pain coming my way, the feelings of inadequacy, shame, regret, not being good enough, feeling less than whomever I might be comparing myself to, guilt about mistakes, and more.

I sometimes get lost in memories of the past that come uninvited. I try to acknowledge them, give them their due, and keep going. Some days that is easier to do than others. Today is not one of those days. It’s ok. There are still lessons to learn. 

 I have had my battles, my victories, my defeats. I have been in and out of relationships. I could have done better in them, but I did what I knew at the time. They each taught me something and got me to where I am today. 

I was married and am so grateful for that experience and for the husband that I had. We divorced, and I am happy that he found someone that is a good fit and that he is still married to. I want the best for him. That wasn’t me. Too many conflicts arose from issues from my childhood that made it hard for me to allow intimacy beyond a certain level. I am single these days and grateful for the time left to be able to explore what is still within me that needs to be heard, validated, and allowed to be expressed and nurtured. I can now face myself alone (along with all the internal voices, of course) and really listen…at least some of the time. 

I chose a career that might not have been my first love. But, I learned from it and now, in retirement, can choose activities that fit better with the voice of my soul.

I have been a people-pleaser and have chosen relationships from that dynamic, which has not always been the best for anyone. I look at that now and choose differently as to who is in my tribe and who I spend precious time with. There are times that spending time alone is the best companion that I need right then. I don’t give people a ticket to comment on who I am nearly as easily as I used to. 

I have reached elderhood and find myself surprised to not have all the answers. Indeed, I seem to have more questions than ever but seem to have learned to live more comfortably with and in the questions. It is more ok to not know and say that. 

Saying I don’t know is easier. Saying no is easier. Saying I need time to think about that is easier. That is a relief beyond description.

Today I will go and do one of my volunteer shifts at the zoo. It brings me joy to be around the animals, especially at our local zoo which works hard at putting the animals first, at conservation, at education. I love talking with the guests about their experience, teaching what I can, sharing the joy of being there, especially these days and with what we are dealing with in our country and in the world.

Tomorrow I think that I will take a long walk in the redwoods, which is my cathedral. Those ancient beings speak to my soul. I feel held there, loved there, accepted there, part of it all. 

 I will hear from friends with well wishes, and that is such a gift to have people in my life who remember me, care about me, and take the time to reach out and make contact.

Most of all, I will spend the day asking my soul and spirit how it is, what it may need from me, and do my best to listen and give myself what I need. Most of the time that is done in solitude for me, probably coming from having been an only child and having alone time be my safe place in the world. 

And I will be expressing and feeling deep gratitude for it all. I feel grateful for the joy, the pain, the lessons, the grief, the connections, the very air that I breathe in this body that I have been gifted for a while. Part of my gratitude will be for you, who take the time to read what I write. That is an honor for me and a sacred gift. I write from my heart and soul and you take the time to hear that, which can be rare in our world today. Thank you.

My final words to the Universe for this moment in time? 

Thank you for it all. Thank you.