Talking Back to the Voices

The issues that I grew up with are always with me, but at least now I can question them 

I have been feeling so anxious lately. I am volunteering at several places that involve training, remembering, learning, tests, anxiety. I am retired, so I have time to pay attention to what my passions are. I love writing, painting, being in nature and around animals. Writing and painting are activities that I can and do enjoy in solitude. Being around animals and working with them is a different story, as it involves lots of people contact and rules. 

I am studying to try and become a docent at our local zoo. It is a lot to learn. Will I be able to remember, retain, learn enough to be of good enough service? I am also training to be a volunteer at a wildlife rescue hospital. They assure me that I will be able to retain all the info about the various different species and what cage set-ups they need, what their diets involve, so many details.

It’s interesting to notice how my old patterns stay with me still. I hesitate, doubt my ability to do things well enough, compare myself to others and generally have always felt that I was not good enough. As an elder, I can look back through the years to see how true this has been for me for most of my life. It has taken so much of my energy and stopped me at times from participating in or trying things. 

And here I am again, hearing that inner voice, that lack of confidence, even as I try to volunteer with things that I am so very drawn to. It makes me sad to realize how much of my life has been taken up by these critical voices. I know that I internalized those voices to protect myself and to beat others to the punch…to criticize myself before anyone else could. 

And yet, I have made it this far. I made it through college and graduate school. I have survived, supported myself, somehow have come this far. I must have some skills, I say to myself and to the relentless inner criticism and judgment. I have learned things in the past, so maybe I can still learn new things. I might be a bit slower, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t learn or do things.

It’s a gift to finally have that inner voice that talks back, to claim my right to take up space and try new things, to finally be my own advocate, to say stop to those voices, to say it’s ok, we can do this. I can do this. 

The inner mean voices can get so easily triggered. I hear others being confident and I look at them with amazement. It is not something that I have been very familiar with. Their confidence somehow makes me withdraw a bit more, since I don’t feel that way. 

Do I know where these voices came from? Yes, I can remember the criticism, the doubt in me that I felt growing up. This is not to blame anyone, as life is just each of us passing along what we know, trying our best, but passing along some not-so-great gifts at times.

And we, as children, can learn to internalize those voices and make them feel like our own true voice. 

I am tired of having always felt somehow less than, shrinking myself out of shame and self-doubt, tired of quieting my voice as it didn’t feel as strong as the voices of others around me. 

And yet, there is, and I am so grateful that this never left, a voice inside me that questions this. Why am I less? So maybe my voice is quieter, but no less valid. Maybe I can do things, and just haven’t believed in myself enough along the way. And that has cost me so very much.

What’s the point, the voices continue, as this later time in my life? I am an elder now and it’s too late and it doesn’t matter anymore. 

I am still here, I counter. I am still alive, and I have the right to learn, to try things. to maybe fail and try again. I am tired of always putting others above me and shutting myself down. I am so very tired of that. Enough. ENOUGH.

And so, with fear coming along with me, I try. I will keep going, I will keep learning, I will keep talking back to those voices and tell them that their input is not going to be the loudest voice in the chorus anymore. I know that they have been trying to protect me, but the protection has become deadening and stifling and I don’t want to be dead before my time comes. 

I have the right to try. I have the right to be awkward, to be a beginner, to be shy, to be afraid, and to be brave enough to try anyway. I have the right to not be ashamed to show myself and who I am. I have the right to be here. I have the right. 

So, with anxiety, I put another foot forward. Because if not now, then when? Because there is enough time to be quiet once I am gone. I still have the gift and chance to keep learning things, and to keep working on believing in myself. I am still here. I am still alive. 

Maybe as elders we can also continue to encourage each other along the way. We have light within us still, light to share, light to guide. As I continue to cheer myself on, I also want to cheer you on in whatever you may be drawn to do. We can do this, even if scared. We can hold each other’s hands along the way, and take that step.