Welcoming my Elder Self

Inviting my 72-year-old self into my inner tribe

I like to think of myself as welcoming and inclusive. I am humbled to realize that I have not spread that welcome so much to this latest version of me, the 72-year-old version.

We have rituals and ceremonies for other times, other selves. We honor and celebrate milestones like the first day of school, turning sweet sixteen, high school graduation, reaching adulthood, marriage, perhaps, going to college, career beginnings and milestones, parenthood for some, retirement, grandparenthood. 

Then the rituals seem to stop, until a memorial service. Oh, there are milestones, like surrendering our car keys, downsizing, losing life partners, having our functioning change (vision, hearing, flexibility, mobility). Perhaps these things may feel like they are not so much to celebrate. 

What about a formal acknowledgment, though, of entering this new phase of life. Could this be useful to help us step into this less celebrated time on the path?

Aging is humbling, to say the least. It brings gifts, some of them more welcome than others. My inside doesn’t feel like it has aged that much. My mind, although it can be more forgetful, is still perceiving itself as younger. My spirit still feels all the feelings, desires, and passions….it still wants to dance in the moonlight (although I tend to be in bed by the time the moon comes up these days). I still want to live, laugh, and enjoy life, because each year I grow in appreciation of how special and sacred that this brief time on earth really is. 

More of the not-so-welcome gifts

I feel a bit of shock at how my body has stiffened up so quickly and is much less forgiving when I don’t move enough for a while. It is much more challenging to start again than it was in my youth, where I could hop up and get back on track within a week or two. 

Gaining weight is easier, as if aging brings its own weight to the table. 

Getting motivated to get going on my to-do list is much more of a challenge. Gone are the days when the list itself would be a fun challenge and way to propel myself into action. Take for example, the task of decluttering. How is it that I seem to add more things rather than lighten the load? How long do I think I might live? It’s time to let go, I know. Perhaps the accumulation of stuff helps me still feel part of it all. Perhaps it gives an illusion of a future longer than it most likely will be. 

I sometimes find (very colorful) bruises on my arms and have no idea where I got them. My skin is much thinner these days, tears more easily. 

Naps have become more familiar, and also show up when and where they like. 

Trusting that I will remember something and not writing it down or doing it immediately is no longer a realistic choice. I have always compulsively paid my bills on time. Recently, I forgot when I didn’t jump up to pay them right away, thinking I would get to them when I did get up. I have been late for payment for two bills. It was nothing serious, just a reminder notice, but that NEVER happened to me before. Never say never. Note to self — either do it now or write yourself a note to do it later and place it where you will see the note. 

Getting dressed has become a different creature altogether. There is the dance of putting your slacks on without falling. I now must admit that I need to ask my handyman to rinse off the skylight, as I dare not climb on the roof. My mind and spirit say I can do it, but I shudder to think about what that would be like to try and call 9–1–1 from up there. My neighbor’s son is a firefighter and says that they have seen it all, but I don’t really want to be on that list. 

Choosing walking trails and other outings based on whether there are rest rooms available is yet another joy of aging. So that is what they meant by golden years…so many thoughts of peeing and where and when to do that?

Driving at night is no longer appealing. It’s interesting, because some of these changes feel like they creep up on you. Suddenly you notice that you don’t go out as much at night anymore, but really don’t remember when that started, just like those grunting sounds I sometimes hear myself make when getting up out of a chair. When did that start? 

There are now medication boxes to organize because I don’t trust myself to remember if I took my meds that morning or not. 

And yet, we can celebrate, as some of the gifts are treasures

Like my skin, my spirit is also more sensitive, feeling things more quickly and deeply. I am grateful for that, although it does sometimes surprise me how tears can easily come with no advance notice whenever something moves me. I love that sensitivity, as it brings such color and passion and depth to my life. I just have to let go of the illusion that I have any control over it. 

This time of life is not only about loss of things. It can also be about now living with more conscious intention with our choices, more authentic communication from the heart, more of our genuine selves showing up. If not now, when? 

These days I get to enjoy other surprises of aging as well. I can finally realize that I have the right to choose who to spend time with, the right to say no to anything, if I don’t feel like doing something or if it doesn’t feel nourishing right then. Finally understanding that No is a complete sentence has been a gift.

I now know that there are days that I simply need to spend hours in the forest. I’m so grateful to have a park nearby with beautiful redwood trees. 

I can enjoy providing random acts of kindness to people, realizing that those are a gift as well. I know that a stranger’s smile and hello can certainly change the tone of a day for me. Maybe I can do the same for someone else. 

I realize that my schedule now needs to be structured in a different way, in a way that includes daily movement, so that I can keep moving, in a way that includes enough socialization, so that I don’t completely isolate, in a way that builds in time for pursuits that speak to my heart, because if not now, when? 

Maybe we need a welcome-to-elderhood party

Can you imagine what the party decorations might include? We can wrap up tubes of arthritis rubs, bottles of ibuprofen, canes, walkers, pads, shower grab bars, compression stockings, comfortable shoes, wrinkle creams, antibiotic ointment and band-aids for skin tears, hearing aids, reading glasses, neck pillows to prop us up on the various pieces of furniture that we fall asleep on, sock puller-uppers, super bras, pill boxes in different shapes and sizes…you get the idea, yes? Thank God that this elder self also brings a sense of humor.

I think that I need to have regular meetings with all of my selves, with the next one being a formal introduction of my older self to the rest of the inner tribe. It is time to formally acknowledge and welcome her in, as she certainly is not going away anywhere. She has gifts to bring as well, even if my other selves are sometimes afraid of her. Shall we have a ceremony? Yes, I think that it could be helpful in entering this final phase, in hearing what our elder self has to say as she becomes one of us, the last to lead us all along. 

So, elder self, come, pull up a chair and talk with me. Teach me. 

Welcome to the tribe.