Speakus Interruptus

I will never understand how and why interrupting others became acceptable.

I have always hated meetings, and I am not a fan of larger groups. One reason is that it often seems to be the norm to interrupt each other, with the loudest voice winning, usually (although not always) male voices.

Maybe we should use the Native American talking stick ritual. The talking stick is a wooden stick, often beautifully decorated. At the gathering or meeting, the only person who can speak is the one holding the talking stick. This then gives everyone the space to speak with assurance that they will have the time that they need and the respect given to speak without interruption. What a great idea! 

Why is it that sometimes, even though I am speaking, someone might think that it is ok to start saying what they want with no regard for whether I am finished or not? And when I might dare to comment about how I was not finished with what I was saying, they sometimes take offense resulting in some tension in the room. 

Does the interrupter think that what they have to say is more important that what I have to say? 

Even when I do speak, it is not always heard.

And sometimes, if I say something in a quieter tone, and someone else shortly thereafter may say the very same thing, but louder, that can then result in them getting the credit for saying what I have already said. 

I don’t assume it is intentional. I have noticed how frequently this pattern of interruption and speaking over someone seems to be the norm. Unfortunately, quieter voices can get drowned out enough times that they stop trying altogether. 

I have allowed and given permission to others to do this in my life.

I have a friend who I recently told that I feel like I have to interrupt him to get a word in. We talk about fascinating ideas and thoughts, and the conversations can be lively. But lately I have noticed that I get interrupted quite a bit. Maybe I just didn’t notice this pattern before. Maybe now, as an elder working on finding and using my voice more, I notice these things more. I may have, in the past, given the message that this was acceptable to do, since I didn’t speak up about it. It is sobering to realize just how much I have been silenced and then how much I have learned to silence myself, at times not even recognizing when it is happening.

Time is running short, as does my patience with not being able to say the things that I want to say. I don’t have time for this anymore. I have had enough.

Are senior voices discounted as well?

Perhaps not only is there a disadvantage to having a quieter voice, but also a senior voice. Do our voices, as elders, also become invisible as we do? Are we now heard less, ironically at a time when we may have more to say and to offer from our years of experience. 

So much hunger to be heard and seen.

I know that people are hungry to be heard and seen. And so, at times when they feel like someone might be really listening, once the floodgates are open, they want to let out all that has been inside. 

Claiming our space to talk.

I was watching a video on Youtube recently. Although I cannot remember any of the specific details of the video, one part of it really stood out for me. One man, when he was being interrupted, kept repeating the phrase “I am going to finish what I am saying. I am going to finish what I am saying.” I was struck by how this was a declaration, a statement. I respected that and thought of how often what I have said, when interrupted in the past, has been more of a request, as in “Can I please finish what I was saying?” Can you notice how different each of these feels?

Another issue in this dance of interruption that comes into play is that I sometimes need a minute to compose my thoughts as to what exactly I want to say. There is often no grace given for any time that may be needed, as the silence quickly gets filled by someone else chiming in. I haven’t figured out how to work with this issue yet. I like to take a moment to process my thoughts at times, to state what I want as clearly as I can, and I then lose my turn to speak. 

The earth needs us to listen as well.

I think of this in broader terms as well. The earth is being ravaged, animals are being abused or killed for profit, beings that may not speak as humans do and then get tossed aside, used, ignored. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I relate to animals so much. Their voices are not taken into consideration. What would they tell us if we could listen to them and understand? Can we stop and listen to the sounds and voices of nature without interrupting them with our own plans, lists, ideas, and goals? Can we slow down and hear? 

My writing is one place I won’t be interrupted.

I think that this is one of the reasons that I love writing so much. I can’t get interrupted. I have all the time that I need to say what I want and to edit it so that I make it as clear as I can. The same holds true for texts and e-mails. I have space to say what I want, although I certainly can’t guarantee whether it will be read or received completely. I have a friend who won’t even read e-mails that are what she considers too long.

How do we deal with all of these interruptions?

How do we ensure that a conversation that is supposed to be dialogue does not become a monologue. Human conversation needs room and space for all to contribute and to be heard. 

During some of the political debates in the past, they even had to shut off the microphones of the person who was not answering the question at the time so as to stop interruptions. Is this how we treat each other? Must we fight to get our own words and opinions in without allowing space for others? Is it really necessary to take the center stage, to be the focus, to get the attention sometimes at the cost of another? When did everything become such a competition that does not include respect for each other?

Maybe we need to make space formally in our meetings and in our conversations. Perhaps we can create a designated time to ensure that all who want to say something have the chance. We can even name it something like the the quiet voice segment. We could have a little light in front of each person that lights up when they want to speak. And until that light goes off, they can’t be interrupted. We could even have a wisdom of experience segment, a place to honor seniors and to hear what they have to say.

Of course we would also have to build in safeguards for anyone who might monopolize the conversation, which is a whole other issue. 

We all deserve a safe enough space to speak our truth, to know that we will not be disrespected by interruptions, to know that we are all valued and can all be heard. We all have something to offer, if we stop talking and take the time to listen, trusting that we will each have the chance to speak as well.