Hitting the Delete Button

Clearing my computer and praying for a working memory in my head

My laptop is on hospice, and they tell me that it could die at anytime. 

The problem started with the keyboard beginning to come apart at the seam and curling up toward me. Then the screen began displaying psychedelic colors and became hard to read. Not good.

I am not tech savvy. I have no ego around this, just fear. Lots of fear. I appreciate being able to use my laptop to write, pay bills, check emails, save photos, and more. I’m sure it’s capable of much more uses than I know about. Same thing with my cell phone. They are both smarter than I am. I can live with that. 

Here comes the issue. I have hired someone who can help me buy a new laptop and help me with the whole process of backing things up, setting it up, transferring over things. None of which I know how to do. I just use it, but I really don’t understand how it works. Never have. That’s ok with me too.

Tomorrow is the day when this computer guy, referred to me by a friend that I trust, will come over and the process of getting me attached and working with the new laptop will begin. 

I am anxious about this. What if we lose everything? What if I can’t learn how to work the new one, with the updated Microsoft and Windows? What if I end up in the in between place, the limbo of no computer to use for a while? What if I can’t do this?

My laptop has been a lifeline for me. I live alone. I enjoy my solitude, and also find that my writing has become a vital connection for me. A connection to what is going on inside, a connection to those that may read what I write and perhaps relate. A way to remember to pay bills on time, check accounts, be more organized. (I used to be a list maker, having paper lists everywhere. I still make paper lists, but do use the laptop to help me out with things. A lot. )

So I wait with anticipation and anxiety for tomorrow morning. I will be relieved when I can write a post on the new laptop. Hopefully this will be soon. 

I do notice that I get more anxious as I age. Less confident about things that I used to not have so much fear about. Less sure of myself. More doubt and more dread. More overwhelmed (although computers have always been a force for me to reckon with any time that anything out of the ordinary was needed).

It’s an interesting phenomena, this anxiety about new things, about my ability to learn. I can see where this fear and anxiety could hold me back from doing things, from trying things, from taking risks, from engaging in life as fully as I might.

What I find that seems to help is for me to slow down, step back, take a breath, and remind myself that I seem to have made it in life this far. That I have learned more about using the laptop than I thought I could. That I can learn new things, albeit a bit slower sometimes. That I can make it through scary things. That I have always been stronger than I allowed myself to think or acknowledge. 

Perhaps that strength may look a little different at this older age. And perhaps it also brings some wisdom along with it, and patience. Maybe things may take a bit longer, and that’s ok. I have rushed through too much in my life, so now life is teaching me to slow down. To be in the moment more. To breathe and take the time that I need. And maybe I have to use more memory aids, have to write things down more. That’s ok. I’m still here, still writing, still thinking, still breathing, still wanting to learn, still living.

So, new laptop, let’s do this. I will face this, walk through it, and I’ll write to you all from the other side…I hope!