So this aging thing is quite the challenge. My latest discovery – my hair is thinning and coming out more. I had this happen once before, where the amount of hair coming out was very noticeable. I checked it out with the doctor….no real answers except that it can be part of aging. Yay….not.
So, I like to think of myself as having some depth….but it turns out that I can be quite upset about the surface ‘trivial” things as well. I do not mean to minimize the feelings around hair loss, but in the grand scheme of things…..not so huge, right? Except that at this moment, it is. I feel the pain of yet another sign of things breaking down, changing, fading, sagging, wrinkling, and now thinning (not that my body is thinning, of course….!)
So, what is this about? It is about yet another loss, yet another grieving for part of me that has been one of my strengths. Yet another piece gone of what I used to feel was attractive about me. Yet another part of what feels like sensuality. Yet another part of youth to say goodbye to and grieve. I used to be self conscious of how I looked from the back because of my perceived size, but now add to that the thinning hair and my scalp showing through at the back of my head. How silly I can be. And yet, this is real for me. I believe it adds to all the losses that do come with aging. I have lost many friends, ex-partners, family, my career (having recently retired – but that will be another post..), pets (I lost one of my two 17 year old kitties in June and my remaining kitty has two masses in his liver that we are monitoring), sense of purpose and structure that my career as a social worker gave me (not to mention all the losses with the pandemic), relationships (I am old enough now to choose being alone rather than being in a relationship that does not meet enough of my needs), some friends (I am more picky these days with who I spend precious time with as I realize more and more how precious each moment is). And I redefine who I am, what my purpose and passions are now, and how to navigate this stage of life…..with an ever increasing awareness of death.
How brief this life is – and yet so rich and full. Of everything…joy, pain, delight, grief, loss, light, dark…..and all of it is important. All of it is necessary, I believe, in order for us to fully appreciate and fully live our lives. I appreciate it more now than ever now that I am feeling closer to the end …..And so I live, embrace each moment, feel each joy and each loss, and always…always….laugh as much as I can.
So, hair goes nothing…..!